Beauty Spotting

In an effort to make date night awesome or just have activities to do together I've come up with a few things.
We're going to do this one tonight weather permitting.

Beauty spotting

Walk around the city you live in with your lover, a bit like a tourists, bring your camera. Takes turns with the camera taking only 1 good picture of a thing that is beautiful or good. Do not tell the other person what you are taking a picture of or why. The other person must wait if their partner has not yet taken a picture. You will each need to explain why the other person thinks the thing they are taking a picture of is good or beautiful.  

Review the pictures one by one at a cafe, park, or restaurant over drinks or dinner.

Go through the pictures sequentially and the person who didn't take the picture must explain why they think the other person took the photo, identifying the element of the picture that the other person intended to capture and why.

Switch it up, keep it lively. You can purposely make up silly reasons or back stories of the people involved or pick the "wrong" thing on the photo to talk about. Compare with the "real" answers of the other person if you'd like to, or you can volunteer your reason, especially if it's way different than the other person's. Find other variations of things to do with the explanations.

Enjoy the conversation and silliness that ensues. 

Notes: 

If you find yourself impatient with the other person taking pictures, let that be your cue to remember to be patient with your loved ones and let them finish their activities and sentences. We're too eager to make our points or do our activity and not always listening and allowing the other person space/time for their activities and thoughts.

You may notice that in order to keep track of what the other person is doing or looking at or taking pictures of you need to be especially observant. This is purposeful.

By looking for good and beauty around us we become more thankful and aware of how great the place where we live is and the good things happening there.

Caring for the poor? Who's job is it?

I like to vastly oversimplify things, but perhaps this isn't such an oversimplification when I think about it.

I read a very interesting article posted by Rod Hardy: http://www.npr.org/2012/09/06/160676765/mormon-democrats-on-drawing-on-faith-for-politics Really liked the article, gave an interesting perspectives.  Near the end of the article one of the people talk about how the scriptures, and specifically the Book of Mormon talk a lot about caring for the poor.

If we translate that into politics many people interpret that as the government caring for the poor, but should that be so? The scriptures mention very little of institutionalized giving to the poor outside of church institutions. It's hard to suss out some of these things though as it's not specific, or when the government is a theocracy. So understanding that we're not in a theocracy in the US, and that in fact this is a very diverse nation and many people don't even believe in God, how should we handle caring for the poor?

How do we think is the best way to go about caring for the poor? Should it be the government's job to take care of the poor? Charities (whether religious or not)? Corporations (via charitable giving, stimulating employees to give of their time, or charitable giving)? Individuals (perhaps via voluntary donations of time and money individually or via charities)? or some mix of them all?

Overgeneralizing things a bit it's easy to say that Democrats would favor a government system to take care of most of the needs of the poor, with others stepping in where the social safety net has gaps. There is a general distrust of corporations to do this, because of perceived abuses by large companies in dodging taxes, lobbying government and other things, so they don't believe that they will help much. Many of the most devout of the democrats find it a pleasure to pay their taxes and they willingly do it and see it as their patriotic duty.

Overgeneralizing things a bit it's easy to say that Republicans want the government out of the charity business, except of course when it comes to medicare which they're very, very much in favor of. In this camp there is a general distrust of government run programs because of perceived lack of efficiency and corruption. Republicans generally hate paying taxes, they see it as a waste, something that is forced upon them, and stealing from their earnings. They loathe being told by the government who to help and when. They want to make those decisions themselves (or keep it all, though I don't think this happens as often as some people think).

In my opinion I'd like to see lots of opportunities for people to serve others. I also think that if people had to be humble enough to ask for and accept help it would actually be helpful for all involved. It would help those who are serving to become more humble as they realize that they can do something meaningful for others, and that what they do really matters. If we leave it all to the government we take away lots of opportunities to serve others and grow together as communities. If the government does nothing at all though, this is not a very good choice either.

My perspective is this: the government should provide some sort of basic social safety net. Determining what that is, to me at least, is the real issue here. I think that should this safety net become too encompassing it will in fact lead to people being less charitable with their time and money: why should they do it, if indeed it's not their job, but the government? They've already paid their taxes, why do more? I've seen this attitude here in Holland. Several of my friends here have either alluded to this or outright stated that this is the case.

So does that mean I'm voting for Romney? Probably not. He seems to be a respectable person, but I don't trust that he'll do the right thing. I do not think you can simply yank these things away from people. People need not to be outraged at government cutbacks in such programs and lament them, but instead say, "how can we do this better locally?" This will not always be comfortable, and it cannot be left to "someone else." It will become our job to help take care of the poor, to feed them, to clothe them, and to house them.

What are option dialogues and why are they awesome? (and a plug for Rekha Neilson)

An option process dialogue is a session with a mentor that asks you non-directive questions, always starting with the question: What do you want to explore?

I've been involved with counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists and each of them have their place and have helped me in different ways, but the thing I've felt was the most powerful has been option process dialogues. I think this is because it relies on you supplying your own answers and relying on your own wisdom and trusting yourself. It is empowering and leads to in(ter)dependence rather than continued need to see the practitioner. The other reason it is powerful because it facilitates self-reflection on beliefs and the things we tell ourselves in a very fast and direct way. I've seen again and again how a simple belief that I empower that seems to be a useful/good belief can become something that helps me create negative and unhappy experiences for myself.

Here's an example: Don't waste (natural) resources. That seems pretty good right? Most people can agree with that. Well when I empower that belief in every detail of my life and then judge any waste as a bad thing and then choose to feel bad about it, or panic and try to stop waste from happening in my office, house, family etc. and get upset when it does happen then I think one can easily start to see how this belief combined with other beliefs (such as wanting to do things perfectly) can become a huge source of unhappiness or anxiety. You see your kids pouring out juice or some other liquid that costs money, or will ruin the thing it's being poured on and you run to stop them, get angry at them, perhaps frighten or intimidate them with your response. I think it's obvious how this can work.

I've worked with 3-4 different people as option process mentors. They all have been pretty good, but I've often been very disappointed in terms of how much they charge per session. It's often VERY expensive. When you hold beliefs like I do about not wasting resources (though I'm empowering that in different ways now so I can create more happiness for myself) then you don't like spending big amounts of money... assuming you even have that much. I'm talking $150-$500/hour. The best mentor I've worked with has been Rekha Neilson. There were two reasons we started working with Rekha:

1. Rekha is located in the UK, closer to us in ever respect than any other mentor.
2. Rekha has excellent rates (25 Pounds first session and 40 Pounds per session thereafter if you buy in increments of 10).

The reason I'll continue to work with Rekha for a while is that she's awesome. I get SO much out of each of my dialogues with her. She is totally present with me (as much as such is possible via Skype) and non-judgmental, and asks such great questions. I'm constantly amazed how the questions totally unearth the kinds of logic and beliefs that I use to make myself unhappy, or angry, or fearful. I've left every session choosing to be energized and having learned more about myself.

Overcoming Task Anxiety

I spent all of yesterday at a really great course on Productive Dialogues and influence. It was excellent, but I came home at the end of the day pretty tired.
I saw the pile of emails in my personal/university inbox and my very long task list in my outlook from work and just didn't want to do much.

I had prepared with my materials for two tasks I've been putting off, an expense report and a luggage damage report to the airlines. Often I find that being prepared really helps me get things done, but not this time. I was tired. Instead I hemmed and hawed and did nothing. 

When in that situation I think I'd rather just make a decision to take the evening off of work, give myself permission to just relax, or to get on those tasks.

I arrive at work this morning feeling like I have too many things to do. Notice though that this is a feeling, something I'd blown up and imagined in my head. At that time though it was all too real and felt kind of paralyzing, especially since I was supposed to take my laptop in for service and possible replacement this morning an hour after I arrived.
--edit--
I realized that I failed to mention that having "too many tasks" to do feels like I'm being pulled in many directions at once, it's almost physically painful. Many or all of the tasks seem to be equally pressing and need to be done now. This is about executive function. Some people seem to be able to handle this rather well. Others, not so much. This is made much easier when I do client work, because it's always easy to see what needs to be done next, and I can just prioritize that instead of the myriad of other things pressing for attention. When I'm running my own PhD project supervising two students, and have all these IT issues in the mix, not so much.
--end--

I realized that the amount of data I needed to move and/or back up before taking my laptop in was very significant and would take hours. Often I would just let that kind of change in plans and perceived delay get to me. Inflexibility in thinking or plans is something that helps me choose anxiety and I'd like to work on that. I decided though that clearly the tech would not wait for me, he'd move on to his next thing, especially since when I set the appointment he didn't seem to care when I would come. I started copying and backing up let it run in the background.

What next then? My email was backed up because I of being at a course all day on Wednesday and not being able to deal with that, plus some from Tuesday that came in late after had checked it. I just started working the inbox, doing all the small stuff and putting the bigger stuff into my to-do list. Before I knew it, I had my inboxes cleared out and my to-do list wasn't that much longer for all of the work. My computer was still backing up things so I started in on a writing task, using my 10 minute timer. Thinking "I'll just do it for 10 minutes" is a thing that can really help me get going on tasks and I was able to get some things written.
Soon all my files were backed up and my tasks worked on and my email boxes at zero. Sure I had plenty to do later that day but it was ok.

Lessons learned

Letting things build up can make it seem worse than it really is. When it can't be avoided, I think if I just plan on working on it for 10 minutes will deflate some of the anxiety about that.
When things go wrong, look for something you can do. If I just take some time to think about what I can do instead instead of stressing out about the things I though I was going to do then it turns out to be ok.  I was able to take care of small things that had been needing done on my list. When I went to take the laptop in I packed some paper-based work I could do with me.

Oh and in the end the tech was able to simply swap out my hard drive into a nearly identical computer without any difficulties and no data lost and relatively little time used in the effort.

ADD and grad school

So most of you know that I'm a PhD candidate at Delft University of Technology here in the Netherlands. Grad school is intense. I have to admit I've found it difficult to keep up sometimes.
At one point late last year I knew that things really weren't going very well for me. I realized that paper deadlines were slowly sapping any joy I had in life out of me. I had a hard time getting anything done. I was choosing an experience for myself that was very stressful and difficult. I was depressed, very depressed and having a hard time even getting out of bed in the morning. I did get out of bed though.
When I was talking about the experience with a fellow PhD candidate the other day she said, "how did you do it?" She knew another friend of hers who was in a similar situation and had taken a 6 month leave in order to deal with her depression and ADD diagnosis. What got me through was my family.
My incredible wife Vanessa has been my mainstay and support. I have to give a lot of the credit to God, because he was there helping me and her too. He also gave us the gift of our children. Now you all who have kids (and many others I'm sure) know how challenging parenting can be. Throw in some special needs and it can be an explosive mix sometimes. Despite all of that though, my kids inspire me to be a better person. They love so much and unconditionally. We get to share so many hugs and kisses each day, and special times where I can really see what love is all about and why we're really here.
It is because of them that I kept going, and I'll give myself a little credit too, I'm tenacious. Even when I'm barely hanging on, barely making it through, had very little hope or faith, I still held on.
So I was on Skype with one of my supervisors (I have two and two other advisors) and she asked me how I was doing and it all poured out. She knew something was off. We had a long talk about everything and she was so supportive and loving... it was a blessing. I asked her about talking to my other supervisor and advisors and she encouraged me. I did that. My advisor at Philips Research said that given how things were going in terms of my health I should at least mention it to my manager. I had that discussion too.
It was all very positive. I felt somewhat ashamed but none of them did anything to engender that... it was an experience I chose for myself. In telling them what was happening with me it also spurred me to action. I had a plan to see a psychiatrist and get evaluated. They all agreed it was a good plan and added a few little tidbits here and there. All good advice.

Get these great T-shirts from PhD comics

Soon thereafter I went and did all of that diagnosis stuff, I did it while attending a conference. I did a number of questionnaires and bunch of the history before arriving, and then scheduled various things during the lunch breaks including some SPECT brain scans. I got some very pretty pictures of my brain activity and that helped pinpoint exactly what was happening with with me. ADD, depression (well duh!), anxiety disorder, and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) among others.
I even shared a cab from the venue to the clinic with a fellow attendee (they dropped me off as it was on the way to where he was going) and he was respectful of the whole thing.
What I'm trying to say is that grad school and ADD, and an academic career can be successfully mixed. I think that in some ways it can be helpful. Sure conference deadlines are fixed, and grading has to be done by certain times, but with some external structures to help, good teaching assistants, and being open and honest with people things can be pretty good. Not that I've decided to do the fully academic thing, but I think it can be done.
The hardest thing for me by far about grad school is the reading. I love reading in general, but conference papers, and especially journal articles are written in a special way that, in some ways, seems to be a kind of gauntlet that is placed between the authors and their peers and the rest of the world. They use complicated words and dense sentence structures. They go on endlessly about the minutia and theory. It's worse than philosophy much of the time (I know my BA is in Philosophy, at least philosophy tries to really deal with the world as it is and so much of academic work is so reductionist.). So getting through reading and then remembering any of it or being able to really engage with the material is difficult for me.
Since getting some treatment (anti-depressants, stimulants are recommended for someone with anxiety) it's a little better, but reading just 5 or 10 minutes at a time is what works best for me. I set a timer (use timer-tab.com) and just read for that period of time. No matter what else happens I stick to it. I need to pee, get a drink whatever.. that can wait until the 10 minutes is up. I remember something really important I need to do, I have a post-it not on my desk and write it down, stick it on my monitor and get right back to reading. I typically have my noise cancelling headphones and some kind of lyric-free music on. Often when the time is up I'll do another block of 10 minutes again because I finally got into it a bit. If I didn't I can also take 2 minutes to do something else like facebook or get a drink etc. This strategy works for writing as well and has been really, really helpful for me.

Hello world, I have ADD

I was trying to find the best way to creatively say what I've known for sure now for going on 4 months.
I have ADHD, primarily Inatentive type. I.e. I'm not hyperactive, but I think that anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not hyperactive, instead I tend towards being low energy in general.

My son has ADHD, others in my family do. A large part of it is heritable. If a family member of yours has been diagnosed and you want to support them, or you perhaps even suspect it yourself, read (or listen to as I did) this book: Delivered From Distraction by Dr. Hallowell. The approach in the book is relentlessly positive, because there are certainly upsides to have ADD (the official name is now ADHD, but ADD is somewhat better. In the book they make the point that everyone else may as well have Attention Surplus Syndrome and that psychiatry and western medicine is really into pathologizing everything because that's what it's good at). It's like having a racing car brain, but sometimes we need to get better brakes and learn how to use them.

This book opened up my eyes and I went and had a full psychiatric evaluation. The whole works. Let me say all those tests they have you take and the history... wow, it take a lot of time. In the end though the history is the key part and that part is good in a way because it helps you consider your life systematically and thoroughly more than one would otherwise.

So living with diagnosed ADD (as opposed to undiagnosed ADD) is good, as it reveals lots of key insights. I've dealt with depression in my life as well as feelings of addiction with pornography and anxiety (particularly social anxiety, and every time I tell people that they are surprised because "I seem so social and good at networking" no really people, unless I know people at a gathering I'm almost always uncomfortable, sometimes painfully so and I just have to get out). It's easy to see a more clearly though how ADD is the primary issue and the others are secondary, caused by going undiagnosed for so long and the negative feedback I keep on getting from others and myself.

I had to have some conversations with those I work with about what I've been going through. I felt embarrassed about it. All my advisers have been supportive, some extremely so. My manager at work has been understanding and helpful. I found it difficult to do, but it got to the point that the pain of not talking about it was worse. In fact when I read this article about a baseball player who was suspended because he tested positive for amphetamines (i.e. adderall a legal prescription drug, but he failed to properly notify he team and have his Dr. sign the proper forms). He was suspended. He didn't want to talk about it because he thought it would be hard, he didn't know how to do it.

For years we've been telling people with different kinds of so-called mental illnesses that they are bad people, that they must be lazy, or not willing to work or just stupid. They could never be much in this world. Some of us buy into that and keep on repeating it to ourselves (I know I have). So often early intervention can help with many things. People (like me before) don't want to take medication because there this vague notion that if you have to take a medication for a mental illness it means you're a bad person, or weak, or should just be more organized, shape up, be a (wo)man, do your work, and pay attention. Yet statistics and many scientific studies show that for ADD medication will significantly improve the lives of about 80% of people. Of course medication is only one part of a good program, one cannot ignore the rest, but if it works why not do it. In addition some things don't have medications that work well, like Autism, though there are other approaches that can do amazing things.

So this post is not poetic, or very funny, or have a lot of good stories and examples in it, but it's how I'm feeling. Let's stop stigmatizing people because they have a disease, or are a certain way, or love a certain kind of person, or believe in a different god or gods, or don't believe in god, or used to believe in god and got fed up with "organized religion," or are more/less educated that you, or have what you think is a better/worse job.

In short, let's stop judging others.
One of my favorite quotes in the last several months is this one heard quoted over the pulpit from a bumper sticker:

Don't Judge Me Because I Sin Different Than You

Not that I'm implying that ADD is a sin, or any of those other things I said either, but it's easy to interpret them as sloth, greed, lust etc etc. So stop your judging (if indeed you were) and start loving and supporting people.

He who loves the most wins

OK enough truisms and seeming clichés. 

Just a second.... how was I going to end this?

The boxes we live and think in...[thoughts on banking systems]

Have you ever heard of the phrase "think outside the box"? Well I'm here to tell you about how the box comes about.

In order to make sense of the world we start making assumptions about the way it works from a very young age. This generally serves us very well, but sometimes it serves us very poorly indeed. From this mechanism we figure out that when you let go of something it drops, when you hit something it makes a noise, and that if you yell you can get things to happen sometimes. We get more sophisticated when we figure out what counts as a dog and how milk can go bad. All these things help us learn how the world works. Through the process of time we start to accept limits on certain concepts, and these become the boxes we so often live in.

Today I wanted to talk about banking. In America there's been a lot of talk about capitalism, banks, and especially investment banking. Some people call some of the people who are upset anti-capitalist, and indeed a very small percentage of them are, but most are not. Most are saying they want something to change about the way investment banks work.

I'm not going to talk about investment banks, but retail banks, the banks that you and I use each day.

In America banks are set up a certain way, in the last 10-20 years US Banks have stopped charging monthly fees. This has been hailed as good for consumers. Often there is no minimum balance and many banks pay a (very low) interest rate on balances. Again these are changes from the era before where some banks required minimum balances and deposits or a minimum opening balance. The problem though is in all the other fees that the banks charge. If you manage to overdraw your account (which is really easy for most people to do, even when you have some savings) the fees start to kick in. Let's say you have a thing where the bank will transfer money from a savings account to your checking account if you overdraw: $12 fee. If the bank pays a check when overdrawn $30+ fee. A bounced check is about the same. Receiving a wire transfer from overseas $50 fee. Ordering checks often costs something, having a debit card costs something, using other bank's ATMs and there is a fee, and double that or more for ATMs outside of the country. Don't write too many checks or some banks will charge per check a $1 fee. Many fees can repeat again and again as more items come out of your account. The bank will charge you for bringing a lot of change to them, or a myriad of other things as well. That "Free checking account" you were offered can easily cost someone $200/year in fees if there is only one incident of being overdrawn, and even without such an incident it often costs $50 or more.

Here in Holland (or more properly The Netherlands) banks work a bit differently. They won't change foreign currency for you, and most branches don't have tellers (though the ATMs take deposits and other things in real time with the currency and coins properly counted and immediately credited) and their customer service is... well generally lacking (though that's a Dutch thing, not a bank thing) . They charge us a few Euro every quarter, totally less than €15 year in fees. If we overdraw? no fees! If our account is negative for a week before my next paycheck come in, no fees! When I wire money in the EU it's a couple euros to send (and the receiving party has to pay the same amount as a fee) and to the US it's €6. A debit card (they call it a PIN or MAESTRO card) will cost you €10 to get initially. Wire transfers from outside the EU don't cost anything. Never any fee for using an ATM from any bank anywhere in the world. Checks don't exist in this country and haven't really ever been used widely. Instead people send you a bill with a reference number. Before online banking you went to the post office and paid the amount into them along with the reference number and they would then get the money to the person with a postcard telling them to come and pick it up or via a deposit to their account. In the modern era one can transfer directly to another account in the country free of charge, and all banks can handle any transaction as long as you have a reference number for a bill or an account number you want to pay to. You can do all of this online. This means that paypal is MUCH less interesting here because anyone can pay to another person without any hassles or fees.

So let me tell you, banks here are profitable and they work just fine. They don't screw you over and they're still in business. They don't use checks and the world still keeps moving. What we need to realize in America is that our way is not the only way and that there are lots of capitalistic markets out there that function much different than ours and they still work and they are no heavily regulated neither are they socialists. We need to be humble and willing to learn from others. We need to reform and that won't be an easy process.

Reflections on Cancer

Just in case you missed it, here's the shorter versions and the long version of my cancer story.

Reflections on the Cancer....

or why "bad" things happen to "good" people

Cancer can be seen as a really bad thing. I'm not saying it's an easy thing, or that everyone has the kinds of outcomes I had. Clearly though challenging things like cancer can present opportunities to us and to those people around us. So many people rendered service to us, supported us, prayed for us. You all did amazing things for us, thank you, thank you , thank you.  You blessed our lives, and I'm certain you were blessed for your service. It is in facing situations like this that we learn what this life is really all about. How will we respond? Will we reach out and help others? Will we allow others to help us? Will we curl up in a little ball of bitterness and rage against God/the universe/everyone else that seems healthy and happy?

So when hurricanes happen, people die, houses are destroyed, but people can also reach out and help, neighbors get to know and support and even come to love each other. When a tsunami happens the environment may be polluted, people may die, businesses my disappear, but also people serve and love each other, they pull together, they serve selflessly, and we realize that for all of our strong foundations and engineering, all that we make and build with our hands can come to naught because nature is mightier than we are, and always will be.

Just to be clear, I don't always choose the happy place. I don't always choose to serve others and ask for help, sometimes I curl up and want the world to leave me alone. I am glad though for the opportunities I've had to serve others and be served. The more service we put into our lives of both types, the more we see what is important in this life.  To be loving, to help others, to be humble enough to be helped, it is through these kinds of activities that I can take the focus off of me, my suffering, my (often small and petty) problems and focus on making the world better for everyone.

Betrayal by..... yourself?

After being officially diagnosed as a diabetic (which is really part of the story as you may recall) I really didn't like having to take medication each day. I was lucky that I wasn't at the point where I had to take insulin, but I didn't like the idea of taking medication, essentially being dependent on something else, a chemical. I felt betrayed by my body, which I saw as somewhat separate from me. Conceptualizing yourself as your mind/spirit and your body as something else introduces all kinds of curious twists and turns in your thinking. This was a bit of betrayal for me to be diabetic. I've struggled with depression and been on antidepressants. They helped, and in way that was a relief, but again I felt it as a kind of betrayal.  For me cancer though didn't seem like a betrayal and I'm not sure why. It happened rather quickly and there isn't this component of ongoing need to take medication. I received the reassurance that everything would be ok. I still celebrate the milestones as a fulfillment of those reassurances from God.

I'm starting to think though that perhaps conceptualizing myself as my mind/spirit is not really helpful. It just leads to not liking your body, or betrayal. I think I could go on about this topic and how it relates to other parts of my life, but I think I'll save that for a future post.

On Being a Cancer Survivor

With the recent passing of my 4.5 year of being cancer free I went back and read my previous post on my cancer story I realized how long and while chronological (well mostly) it's almost stream of consciousness style of writing.

This post attempts to summarize in much shorter form my story in two different lengths. Just in case you haven't read the long one, there's spoilers in the short, short one.

Short Short Version of My Cancer Story

In 2007 while pursuing my MSc degree I had kidney cancer, and via surgery they took it out, really the only viable option as radiation and chemo don't work on such a thing. People were amazing we had all kinds of support even from people and communities that I had no idea would respond that way. It was amazing, an incredible experience.

We were left with almost 10k in medical bills, which through a fluke our "life threatening event" policy covered with a one-time payment of $30k. We paid off our credit card debt we had foolishly incurred as part of grad student life.

Long Version of My Cancer Story 

In 2007 I was in grad school doing my MSc in Human-Computer Interaction Design (HCI/d) and about to finish my first year. I peed blood (gross hematuira for you medically prone people) before class one day, and I high-tailed it to the health center after class. Following the blood tests they confirmed my Diabetes diagnosis (it hadn't been official yet) and recommended some imaging to make sure that there wasn't anything more serious causing the problems.

I was a bit chicken and used the extreme busy-ness of the semester to not get that imaging done sooner. I finally went for it just after returning from CHI2007, the big conference in my field. The ultrasound  in early May showed something major in my kidney, so a CT scan was ordered for a few days later and of course we researched all kinds of cancer/tumors of the kidney. Among all this activity I prayed more intensely and more purposefully than I had in a very long while, Vanessa was pregnant with our second child and due in July. The CT scan indicated it was almost certainly a renal cell clear cell carcinoma (because of the presence of necrotic, or dead, tissue inside it), and that it had already progressed to Stage II, so we had caught it early but not very early. 

This kind of preliminary diagnosis meant that chemo, radiation and virtually all other options were off the table as this kind of cancer, and indeed most kinds of renal cancer, don't respond to them. It's surgery or nothing. In a way it's good as one doesn't have to deal with the continued pain of such things. The problem though is that should the cancer reoccur within five years, survivorship is extremely low. Once past the 5 year mark then survivorship increases dramatically.

I had felt more betrayed by my body failing to deal well with sugar/carbohydrates (i.e. my diabetes) than this cancer inside me, but I didn't take time to think about it too much. We didn't pause, we didn't reflect too long, we prayed and we put the world into motion. People to call, emails to send and to get everyone we knew into prayer and fasting or whatever kinds of things their spiritual traditions suggested at such a time. My school family rallied around us, our church family did the same. The surgery was scheduled on May 15th, just a few days later, but there was a weekend between the scan and the surgery. We had a special fast that weekend, and during that time I felt a strong reassurance from God that it would turn out well, and as a kind of confirmation I received a priesthood blessing and I was told I would make a full recovery. I hadn't felt a panic before, but the sense of calm that settled over me was clearly not some kind of denial or not wanting to deal with facts but something much more.

Even our concerns about the medical costs were lifted. The problem was that like many Americans we had a very high deductible coverage, with a 4500 deductible and then we still had to cover 20% of the costs after that with a maximum of out of pocket of $10k, which we found out at that time was per health incident, not per year. For whatever reason we had also taken out a life threatening illness policy which paid out $30k per confirmed incident. Of course we didn't qualify as this was luckily, or possibly unluckily, not considered a life threatening disease as it was in Stage II. In school, and already facing our student loans, and 20k in credit card debt we weren't sure how we were going to handle the finances, but we felt like we would manage.

Friends came and stayed with Ezra while others came and stayed with Vanessa a the hospital. I remember going under very quickly in pre-op. In post-op I remember being foggy and saying thank you a lot. Vanessa told me later that I'm the politest sick person she's ever met. The radical nephrectomy (meaining they take the kidney, the adrenal gland and the lymph node and some of the adipose (fatty) tissue around them) took only a couple hours. I came out with 26 stitches in my stomach and because many of my core muscles were cut through an almost complete inability to bend over or sit up or roll to my left.

I was regaled with visits at the hospital and cards and a few books to read. My parents had arrived to help, and our neighbors who we hadn't really previously known came and pitched in, one mowing our lawn and others making more contact and asking if they could help. A few meals were brought but with my parents there we were being very well supported.

I was eager to get out of the hospital, I hate the fact that they don't let you properly sleep because they have to check on you. I was eager to be active, to walk. I took as many halting steps around my ward as I could each day, dragging my IV along with me. I begged to be released on the third day and my Dr. was happy with my rapid progress. I made an appearance at the traditional driveway hockey game many in my program played on Saturday, and I went to part of church on Sunday.

I walked slowly around the neighborhood each day. I was weak, but I was determined to get back some stamina. We awaited the pathology report which would give us the definitive diagnosis during those days following my release from the hospital. The hospital bills started to arrive soon enough. We we re responsible for $9500 of the total bills, (I think the total of everything was over 30k, which for surgery isn't that bad actually). 

The pathology report came back, and it was not actually Stage II renal cell clear cell carcinoma, but Stage IIIa, the tumor had pierced the renal envelope. I was very lucky indeed to have gotten the tumor out when I did as it was spreading.

We considered a radical change in the way we approached food in our home and prepared to make those changes, and I was quite discouraged at how very expensive eating organic and other whole foods and other things cost. This along with the medical bills had me doubting how we would get along financially. Low and behold all the incredible people in my school program raised several hundred dollars for a "HCI/d pantry makeover fund" and in the memo line of the check it said "Your awesomeness." I was blown away.

Lastly our life threatening event rider on our health insurance kicked in after they got confirmation from the pathology report. Amazingly our whole medical bill was taken care of and we were able to pay off our high interest rate credit card debt.

Why I like failure stories

Why would anyone like failure you say? Because it rocks.
OK I admit I don't always see it that way, sometimes I buy into the idea that failure sucks and I should be depressed when I fail and beat myself up for not being good enough.
What I DO love though is stories about failure, when some person fails, and often continues to fail, but they continue to keep going, to get back up, to keep on trying... I love it. Call it heartwarming, call me old fashioned, call it whatever you want, but keep on writing those kinds of stories.

This has applications in both personal and work life.
In work it's been said that you should "fail fast, and fail cheap" learn from your mistakes and then make something better. Drive to get something done, prototype it, try it out, see what works and what fails. This week's example of this was practicing my elevator pitch we did for a symposium early. The first few times were awful. I rearranged my slides, changed an image and it fell into place. In the end it was ok, I wasn't looking at the time and hadn't failed enough times to really do it well in 2 mins. A lesson learned!

There are lots of things that people struggle with. For me it's things like gritty messes cropping up places. Today's example was our ride home from church. We drive quite a distance and church is from 10-1, so we pack lunches for the boys to eat on the way home (and for the adults too, but not today as I was fasting). Ezra had a hard-boiled egg and instead of eating the yolk he decided to mash it all up and get it all over his pants and the car seat. When I saw it well after the fact I started to freak out. I wanted to yell at him, I did raise my voice, it's true, but not yelling. I failed fast, and without significant damage. I told him poorly done and at the next rest stop we pulled over and got rid of the mess, which surprisingly wasn't that hard to clean out. I have more "serious" struggles, but this is one of those things that I let interfere with my relationship with my kids and my own feelings of happiness.

Movies that are about people who are flawed, often deeply so, that continue to try and make something of themselves and their life are inspiring. Whether it be a character flaw (like my aversion to some kinds of messes), special needs (like autism), or something else when people keep on keeping on despite failure along the way it's awesome.

So if you're down don't forget... get back up, keep on going. Go and watch an uplifting movie or enjoy the following classic poem attributed to Dr. D.H. Groberg (which I've heard many times but for today's writing I got it from here).

The RaceWhenever I start to hang my head in front of failure’s face,
    my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.
A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well,
    excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race
    or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.
Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son,
    and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.


The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire,
    to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.
One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd,
    was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,
    the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace,
    and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.
As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now.
    Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.


But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
    which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all,
    and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
    his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.
He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.
    “I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”


But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face
    with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!”
So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last.
    “If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten...
    but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye.
    “There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try?
I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.”
    But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.


“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all,
    for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place!
    You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!”
So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit,
    and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.
So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been,
    still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win.
Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.
    Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.


They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place,
    head high and proud and happy -- no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place,
    the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race.
And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,
    you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
    “To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”


And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face,
    the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
    And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face,
    another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race!”

Little victories

It's a rare person who has lots of opportunities for big wins in the course of a month or a week or even a year. Much more it's the little things that add up and make a big difference.
Today's little win was when I was standing near the front door and noticed a flashing light outside. Within 30 seconds I realized it was the garbage truck approaching our house quickly. I opened the garage door ducking underneath it as soon as I could. Grabbing the very heavy and full can I hurried to the curb just as they were finishing our neighbor's.
I smiled and wished him a good day. He thought I was a bit odd but for me at least it really was a good day.

"A game for real men"

I recently saw this on the side of a page on Facebook.  It's in Dutch because I live in Holland, and it means "[a] game for real men." I'm sure this is true because it's on the internet, it's in an ad, and of course most certainly because a group of game designers, software engineers, and online marketing people have a deep and nuanced view of what the essence of masculinity is, gender roles & performance, and how to best create games not just for men, but "real" mean.  I've bought into some of this kind of silliness (or should I outright call it crap) and it's just not a helpful kind of thing for the most part. I'm tired of this kind of thing, even if it's a silly ad for a silly game. Let me decide what I think a man is, who I am, and who I want to be. I don't need artificial distinctions between "real" mean and faux men. It just doesn't serve me well, and I question whether it serves anyone at all.

What I learned about England

Our family vacation this year was 2 weeks in England.  Lots of fascinating things to see and do, and lots and lots of lovely English to hear and speak and be mutually understood.
Driving on the left is surprisingly easy to get used to, no problem at all really, though that was in my own car (we took the ferry across), the places I really needed to think were roundabouts and even that wasn't that big of a deal.  Left was the new right (only had to look one way to turn left), though I must say the English sure don't believe in spending money or using space for roads.  We spent almost the entire time in the Western part of England and there are very few freeways there (though they call them motorways of course).  There are some main roads, but even those seemed to be few and far between unless you stick to the larger cities and going directly from one to another.  Those main roads will be a full lane in each direction, often with a passing lane for going up hills and a few other spots on occasion, and at least a bit of a shoulder on the side of the road in most places.  Otherwise you're on these roads, that.... well before I went to England I wouldn't have imagined that such a thing would be considered anything but a country lane, a private drive, or something you see in places that don't have a very well developed infrastructure.  I guess in fact that's what I'm saying, the English haven't prioritised (spelling intentional) their private vehicle infrastructure.  We Americans spent millions in the 50s and spend billions today to expand and maintain our system of freeways.  One can drive from sea to shining sea on one of at least two, but often three or four east-west freeways, there quite a number of north-south routes.  The general rule of thumb in most populated areas is that the freeway will get you within 5 miles of where you want to go, and in suburban areas perhaps 10-20 miles and in rural area perhaps up 50 or in some cases 100 miles, but even then their are high quality highways to cover most of those kinds of distances in the US.  I'm not saying one is better than the other, but the difference is striking.  One could easily say that making the train easier and more convenient for travel is a good thing, but I'm not entirely certain that is the case in many of these places in the England.

So back to these little roads, often there aren't two full lanes, there is no shoulder at all, and there are hedges or a combination of hedges and the road is cut a bit lower than the surrounding land so that you're in what feels like a giant hedge maze.  One can drive for miles and never actually see the countryside around because you're always boxed into these little hedged roads.  The speed limit on these roads is often 40 or 50 mph, but it's almost impossible to drive that fast, often you just inch along at 25 or 30mph, sometimes less.  A trip of 10 miles can take 30 mins or more.  So many times the road was so narrow only one car can drive but irregularly spaced along the way are just slightly wider so as to allow two cars to get through.  The English though are very friendly drivers, and will gladly pull into a little spot and let you pass and wave you on.  Pulling out of some of these smaller roads on slightly larger roads can be difficult as visibility is often low and there were multiple times where someone would stop and flash their lights and let you get through.  It was nice.  The roads were so small at times that I was certain our GPS was taking us the wrong way... but no, that was just the road.

OK enough about roads, how about English food.  I'd heard stories from my uncle, and others who had lived in England years ago (in the 60s) and they described the food as not that great.  I've seen some English cooking shows and it seemed pretty good to me, but actually shopping most days and cooking (we had self-catering cottages) gives you a different feel for a place.  First of all the variety at stores was on par with the US.  So many stores here in NL are small with a limited selection and even in the larger stores the selection is still small.  The English, like so many places have superstores in many places and I admit I loved it. Going to a big Tesco or Sainsbury's was great.  I picked up some shirts at Sainsbury's that were really nice and quite inexpensive, but I digress, I was talking about food. So Pork Pies and Pasties of all kinds.... YUM. Pasties (especially Cornish Pasties) are a kind of meat pie.  Cornish Pasties are beef with potato, those seemed to be the most common but there were others.  The crust was generally doughy and soft.  Pork pies had the feeling of sold big chunks of some kind of pork wrapped up in a crust quite similar to pie crust in the US but without any of the sweetness.  I got the impression that the crust was made with lard which made it flaky, flavorful, and delicious.  Oh and they're both quite cheap, I mean really cheap in some places.  You can pick up a nice big pork pie for a pound, or four little ones, and these are the name brand ones. The pasties 2 for a pound of the cheaper kinds, and even the nice bigger ones at a decent restaurant with chips and such are always less than 5 pounds.  Otherwise fish and chips were delicious, had them almost every other day I think.  I found I prefer the Cod to the Haddock, and of course no malt vinegar for me thanks, though I often got some tartar sauce.
When talking about English cuisine and it's peculiarities one cannot forget about cream, as in clotted and double.  Double cream is like heavy whipping cream but even better.  Heavy cream in the US often has thickeners added to it (like carageenan) and the fat content is around 50-60%, while double cream is around 70-80% fat and has a fairly thick consistency. I really enjoyed double cream with fresh fruit many evenings for dessert.  Next is clotted cream.  Clotted cream is, well it's hard to describe, but it also has a higher fat content and when cold it's as solid as butter, but when approaching or at room temperature it's very spreadable.  It's creamy and just slightly sweet (though there is no added sugar).  It's made by heating milk for a long period of time and letting it cool, giving the top layer a yellowish layer of "clots" what is underneath is the color of regular cream.  Clotted cream makes up an integral part of "cream tea" which is tea (of your choice, rooibos for us) scones (usually two) and then clotted cream, and jam and usually butter too.  This will set you back 5-6 pounds in most places, but it's a really nice little break in the afternoon at... yes you guessed it tea time. I skipped the jam as I'm not eating added sugars, but still it was fun and delicious.  Clotted cream in my experience is best on baked goods/breads and while it was good just with fresh fruit, double cream was much better.
What else? Eating out in most places was pretty cheap compared to NL and less expensive than many other places in Europe, and portions were pretty large.  Sides sometimes included pickles and pickled onions.  Not my favorite, but decent.  When we got a salad it was good, but the variety there isn't as big it seems.  We were pleasantly surprised to find gluten-free options in many places, and that menus usually included calories which was really nice.  England also made me even more appreciative of the fact that I don't drink alcolhol, as that seemed to be very expensive. Oh and on that note, we were gladly served a nice jug of ice water at our table everyplace we asked for it, without charge, sidelong looks or any fuss.  That alone saves a lot compared to NL and many other places that either insist on selling you bottled water, or will charge you something (though not usually much) for tap water.

clarity of communication

So I'm just marveling at how easy it is to be unclear in communication when you want something from someone. I received a message from someone and didn't act on it, mostly because I had no idea what the person really wanted me to do.  I know I've made similar requests to people asking for some of their time quite often.  It seems this happens with email a lot, but can happen face to face.
I think the clearest way to avoid this kind of problem is to be clear on what is wanted in the first place.  Sometimes you're not really sure, and you just want to sit down and brainstorm or bounce some ideas off the other person.  You can tell them that, and right away things become clearer.
What strategies do you employ to move people to action or get a response, or get what you would like from them? Especially via email?

Why do you go to church?

Today we had an interesting discussion during our priesthood meeting (i.e.our men's group at church because each of us holds the priesthood).  We talked about the talk Elder Niel L Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave to the church last October called Never Leave Him.

There are two major "warning signs" that he talks about: offended or ashamed.
I'll definitely recommend that you read the talk, listen to it, or watch the video for yourself, but a few thoughts came up for me when we were talking about it from my own experience.
First of all is that we can only be offended if we choose to be.  In English it is quite natural for one to say that "she offended me" or "that was rather offensive" but in reality the only way one can be offended is by choosing to take offence.  This does mean, nor would I advocate that we can just go around and say whatever we would like not matter how crude, crass, unkind, or insensitive to people, but it does mean that when someone says something that may initially rub you the wrong way you can either let it bother you and become offended, or you can choose to let it go.
I have a friend that, God bless them, has tried to let people people said or did be a reason for them not to come back to church.  I said to that person, and I say to you, dear reader, why do you go to church?
If you only go because people are nice to you and say kind things to you it will only be so long until someone says something that is rude or insensitive.  Perhaps you may think that this is a bit bold, but it is the case.  No one is perfect.  There may be a lot of people at church who are trying to be better people, follow Christ, repent etc, but none are perfect.  There may even be some people who just like to go, enjoy it, and aren't really actively trying to become better people.  I don't know, I'm not in charge of assessing such things, but it seems very possible. In any case I can guarantee that there will come a time that some will say or do something mean, rude, or insensitive.  It will most likely not be intentional, though it it may be.
Whatever it may be what will not coming back to church permanently hurt that other person, the body of the church in general, or your particular ward (congregation)? NO, it will not.
You may be missed by some, but even if you're not missed by anyone and who will it hurt the most?
Only you, should you choose to stay away.
Again I'll ask, do you go to church only if people are kind and nice?
Do you go to church only if people behave themselves and help your children in the way you want them to?
Do you go to church only if the Bishop (pastor) says thank you for your service?
Do you go to church only if the Relief Society (women's group) president seeks out your help for the next activity?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, I do not condemn you, but it will let you know something about yourself. You can choose to stay that way, or change is possible.
If you don't know why you go to church then perhaps you should ask yourself that question in a serious and considered way.
Phrased another way: will you let someone else stop you from going? Will you let fear of "what people might say" keep you away?  Will you let what someone else says or does control whether you worship, commune, praise, or covenant with God? If so then it's a good thing to know about yourself.  It's a good indicator of how things work for you in your spiritual path, at least right now.

I don't go to church because I love the people who are there and want to talk with them 24/7.  It' a plus to me that I do love them.
I don't go to church because I expect to be treated kindly or well. It's a plus that in my experience that does happen 98% of the time.
I don't go to church because of that crazy old lady who smells a bit funny to me and says strange things, but I have to admit I find it at least somewhat entertaining or annoying depending on the circumstances. I'm not going to let her stop me from going though.
I don't go to church because I'm perfect, or even that good of a person sometimes. I go because I know it's the right thing, I want to go, I want to be a better person.  I want to get to the place in my life where when I take the sacrament (communion) it's like being baptized, and at least for that moment I'm perfect in Christ and perhaps that might last more than a few seconds.

Learning to focus-2 examples

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I can get distracted rather easily, or that I have a hard time focusing on something for an extended period of time, let's say more than 15 minutes or so.  I also noticed that much like my autistic son that I enjoy routine, and when that routine is upset I can get inordinately upset or distracted about that.

My routine on the way to work during the winter involves a train ride from my house in Best to Eindhoven and then a 4.4km (2.7 mile) ride down to the High Tech Campus
View Larger Map
When the weather is really bad I take the bus, otherwise I ride my bike  and lock  it up in the fietskellar (the underground bike storage) beneath the station (It's totally worth paying €13/mo to keep it safe from theft and dry).
Today as I was heading down the stairs to get my bike I looked for my bike key only to find I had not put my bike key back into my change purse.  I flashed back to seeing my key on my dresser, but because I have several I assumed it was another one.  Which reminds me I really need to put a key in my backpack again so I have a backup... ok added to my to-do list.. and moving on.
I realized I would need to take the bus.  The bus takes the same amount of transit time (more or less) but then I don't get to exercise or enjoy the fresh air, and I would have to wait 10 mins for it to leave. I started to feel anxious about my writing schedule for the day getting messed up. What was I going to do? Maybe my whole day would be ruined by this?  I felt bad because I would also be spending money on the bus that was avoidable "if only I had remembered."
I paused and thought, "what should I do?"
I then remembered that I could rent a bike for about what it costs to ride the bus both ways and while it would cost me some money it wouldn't cost me any extra time and I would enjoy this supremely wonderful sunshine we've enjoyed for the last two days in the middle of February.  I was somewhat comforted by the fact that this isn't cash out of my pocket but rather billed to my bank account monthly and it wouldn't happen  for 4 weeks.
By simply pausing to think about alternatives I was able to find something that worked. Even if this was not the case, in reflection now I can see that it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
As I rode to work I was again troubled about "all the stuff I had to do" today, what would I do first? Would it all get done? I then remembered quite naturally that I had written out every single project I was working on as part of my process (based largely on Getting Things Done or GTD).  Feeling uptight again I thought I'll have to review my project tracker to see exactly what it is I should be working on, then I reminded myself I already knew.  In the mornings I write, first on priority projects then blogging or other things, and I knew which two things need to be written this week.
In due course I got to my desk and, set up my laptop and was faced with where I had left my computer last, witch email and all kinds of things open. Dealing with email first thing in the mornings kills productivity for me, and most people. I recommend against it. I had one tab open about something I knew needed some follow up, so I quickly copied the URL and dropped that into a task in outlook and closed up all the things that could be distracting for me, and opened up one of my documents I'm working on.  As I write I come to natural lulls in the pace.  I try to use those lulls to take care of my needs so as to write consistently when I'm in my state of flow.  If while I'm writing I all-of-a-sudden think of something I should do, an email I should send, or start feeling hungry or run out of water, I quickly think about if I am still in the writing zone. Often I am, and can gently remind myself that writing is one of the most important things I can do each day and getting these things written is what I should do.  Also "no email before 11am" works wonders for me. So I simply go back to writing.  If the need is urgent like I need to hit the bathroom then I break immediately.  If I'm out of the zone I take a quick break to take care of myself, stretch etc and then back to work. I found myself at least a few times back into facebook or email for a moment, my first impulse was to beat up on myself for such.  Instead though it was so easy to just go back to writing because I was clear about what I needed to get done.  It was time to execute, to do the things I needed to do "ship" as Seth Godin says, and by knowing what was really important I am able to slip right back into doing it.

I guess I'm learning what it takes for me to do focus, and writing about it here is helps me be reflective and by bring reflective I can learn about how I work (self studentship).  I hope as well by sharing how I work you may gain some insights or pick up a strategy that may work for you.

Oh and while I'm not trying to hawk books, some of these books especially the one below really have helped, so why not link to them?

when the things you think are important become requirements

Have you ever liked something so much that it became required for your life to go on, or for you to feel good about life?
It's a funny thing.
We start out liking something.  We may notice when when we do something or when we have something we feel better in someway. We then create a desire or wanting for this thing in our life.  I think that's great, but for me this wanting, this desire then becomes something more. If I don't do it I then become unhappy, it's now required for my happiness. I may even judge myself that if I didn't do or get it then I'm a bad person.
Rubbish, complete and utter rubbish I say.
Here's an example:
I set my alarm and got up and meditated and prayed for a few minutes then sat under my new "happy lamp" (daylight bulb) and read scriptures. I then went and played with Ezra in his playroom for a while, then Micah wanted some daddy time so we played trains for a bit, then showered and family prayer, kiss the kids, make out with my wife, grab my breakfast and lunch I packed last night and catch my train then ride my bike from the station to work. A really picture perfect morning.
Now let's look at Wednesday.  I did the shower and the train parts of that, forgot my key so no bike, forgot my badge to get into the office. I felt crappy about my morning, and in fact I judged it to be a bad morning, and I went so far as to think I must be a bad person.  Typing that now it's pretty obvious to me what nonsense this is, but in that moment I was wrapped up in guilt and unhappiness.
I think it's great to do things that make you happy and feel good, that put you on the path that you want to be in your life, but don't let those times that you don't do it create something awful.
To use another analogy: have you ever had a favorite topping for cereal or maybe ice cream? I know that I really enjoy oatmeal with real melted butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon. What if one day we've run out of butter, and only have margarine. I turn up my nose at the margarine and carry on with the two other ingredients. I could choose to either be bitter that we don't have any, become bitter, ask myself why my wife can't just get me the things I NEED, or I can eat what I have notice hey, this could be better, and maybe write a note for myself to buy some butter on my way home or maybe ask my wife to do so next time she does.
It's like I think that unless I get unhappy about not having something then I think I won't change it. Unhappiness is a good motivator, no doubt about it, but is it the best one? Will it help in the long term?

What are the things you beat yourself up about if you don't do or have?

What are the things that make you happy?

Managing and coping when I'd rather be recovered

Depression is a funny thing.

Of course not funny hah hah, but funny as in odd.  I've dealt with depression all of my adult life as well as in my teenage years.  It comes and goes, of course it doesn't feel like that.  So what does it feel like? It's very much dependent on context.

If I'm depressed, not just a down day, which I think almost everyone had here and there, but depressed, everything seems bleak.  Vanessa and I sometimes manage to joke about it, the phrase we use is, "all is woe." It's only funny because it's true.  From this point of view it seems like any happiness we once knew is but a fleeting memory, anything that is good was only mercurial, and all that is real is the dull ache of reality.  Any kind of objective (objective as in outside myself) data, about my life at least, will easily show that this is not true, but that's how it feels.

If I'm having a really up day, then I'm on top of the world, nothing can really go wrong and any plan I start today will last forever or at least until it comes beautifully into fruition.  I don't have many of these days, but they do happen a few times a year.

The state I tend to live in is that of staying for a while on one side of a very blurry line and then cross over that line for a while to visit the other side.  There aren't a lot of highs and lows in this kind of existence, but rather a lot of middling, mediums, and so-sos.  Life is neither particularly sweet, nor so awful I regret ever being brought into this life.    

I must say I've been on the lower side of that line for a while, depressed and stressed to the point where I'm having a hard time getting to typical achievement levels.  Daily tasks are difficult, completing things, focusing on something are all difficult for me.  So I cope.  I manage them, I make lists, I ask for or at least start to accept help.  I admit my struggles to those whom I'd really rather not tell in order to get a little more slack in my life.

I'm tired of managing and coping.  I'd rather be recovered, say things like "When I was depressed I used to.." or "Before I learned how to really work with my depression I would..." but no. I'm struggling, managing, and coping.

Well for now that's what I got.  I'm taking some new supplements that are helping, and I keep on keepin' on. One day at a time and all that.

This is me, so take it or leave it.

Taking time for yourself

It's easy for me to start to feel overwhelmed.  I'll probably talk about some of the reasons why I choose to feel overwhelmed in a future post, but let's just cut to the chase: I choose to feel overwhelmed.  Now I want to differentiate between a busy schedule and feeling overwhelmed.  A busy schedule is something that the vast majority of us deal with in almost all of the developed world and a large part of the developing world as well.  Now it would be easy to start keeping score and play the oneupsmanship game of "see who's busiest" as if that's some kind of badge of honor.  Just thinking about that makes me want to write a post about that game.  So let's just say that you have a busy schedule, when does it start to feel like it's too much?  When do you feel like you just can't take it anymore?  When are you feeling like you're ready to walk away from your troubles for a time?

I've noticed though that it's not about how much I do, it's much more about my judgment about my schedule that changes how I feel and react negatively to it.  It's easy to get resentful like this, "Why do we have an autistic child?" or "why don't they pay me more? I do very good work."  Or perhaps after a brief look at a very full day I see I'm scheduled from 7-7 and then after the kids are in bed I need to take care of paperwork or help clean the house or take care of something.  At that point even putting a date on the schedule can start to feel like one more thing that I need to do.

So if a friend came to me and told me that they were feeling like this I would say, "Take some time for yourself!"  I've told this to my wife before, and asked her to take time for activities that she enjoys.  I've been so proud of her this week for taking time to practice singing again. We all love hearing it in the house and she feels better doing it.  Of course when the tables are turned I've said, "I don't feel like I can take time for myself right now, it's just too busy of a time."  Of course it's busy, I'm doing a PhD for goodness sake!  I have a study to finish planning, and start running, I've got a paper to write, I've got well I could keep going and going.  When someone says, "Take some time off" I say, quite correctly, "I can't take any time right now because the work will just pile up higher and higher."  I've envisioned in my mind taking a week or two off, totally unplugging, forgetting all the things I need to do.   Of course I rebel against that, taking a week or two off is not something I can necessarily do on a whim.  I have obligations to my colleagues, my advisors who take time out of their schedules to help my with my PhD project.   If I totally forgot about all the things I need to do then I'd be a bad person, and maybe I'd like being away from all my duties and never want to do them again.  So if I took time off I'd need to not totally unplug.  I'd need to stay connected to email and other things.  I'd need to try and sneak in some work in the evenings and take some of those important calls.  Here's another good one, I need to save my time off because I'll need to take on some contract work so I can make up the difference for what we fall short every month. I have my duties at church to take care of, I have my children and wife to consider.  I can't do that.

Or can I?  What is to stop me from doing it?  My sense of the fact that "hard workers don't need big breaks and time off." Or here's another judgement I didn't know I had until I started really going into it, "I want to be do good work quickly, because I want to prove I'm smart."  I think that anyone can do good work, well I know I can do, but doing it quickly and apparently with not a lot of effort, I can thereby prove I'm smart.  Here's a good one, "Those who lose their lives for my sake, shall find it."  I.e. those who spend their time in the service of others.  I can't take time for me because that would be selfish.  I can't take time because you should give as much as you can give.  I can't take time I can't take time because the, "the Lord never said to take breaks." (my words)  Did he?  I can't take time because that would mean I'm a bad dad.  I can't take time because I need to make up for when my addictions, compulsions, or other bad choices have taken me away from my family or helping others, or progressing in my education or my career.  I even used the words of the living prophets to prove my point.  From President Eyring's talk of April.  Here's the passage he quoted from D&C 

“Wherefore, now let every man learn his duty, and to act in the office in which he is appointed, in all diligence. He that is slothful shall not be counted worthy to stand, and he that learns not his duty and shows himself not approved shall not be counted worthy to stand. Even so. Amen."

This part came to my mind in the talk:

Sitting down to rest can be more attractive than making appointments to visit those who need our priesthood service.  When I find myself drawn away from my priesthood duties by other interests and when my body begs for rest, I give to myself this rallying cry: “Remember Him.” 

I was using all of this as a reason why I can't give myself a break.

I'm NOT making all of this up.  When I really looked at the reasons why I couldn't take time I came up with all of these pretty ridiculous things.  So in this way of thinking, if I take a break, then I'm a bad person.  If I take a break and enjoy the time away I'm a bad person.  I don't take a break and resent all the stuff I have to do I'm a bad person.  I need to just work and like it.  It's totally ridiculous, but in some shape or another I believed all of these things.

Just to clarify on a few points it does say in scripture that you, "can't run faster than you are able" and while God does expect our very best, he doesn't expect us to do more than we are able to.  If I were to take a whole month off I'm sure I would take steps to make sure my vital duties are taken care of at church and at work.  If I took that long off I'd do it with my family so there's no problem there.  If I took the time off and found myself so happy to be away from all of the other things even after a few weeks I'd question my motivations for doing them.

All the arguments I've given Vanessa and others who are too focused on work come flooding back.  I'll be a better researcher, dad, priesthood holder, friend etc if I take time off.  I'll come back with more energy, I'll come with new fresh ideas on how to improve whatever it is.  I'll come back with appreciation for the routine that my work provides (I like routines pretty well).

Here's a novel question though, why can't I just take a whole day to myself?  No taking care of the kids, no work, no church stuff, no cleaning.  Would that set me back an irreparable distance from my work goals and hard deadlines?

I thought....
and I thought....
and I thought....

There is no good reason for not taking a whole day.

And so I did.  Today is that day.

What is good?

It's interesting to see what people's definitions of good are.  We use this word or one of it's many synonyms  on a regular basis and I don't think we stop to think about what it means.
Without getting very philosophical I'm going to offer up two definitions which I think are two ways of saying the same thing.
Definition one
Good is what we call the things that lead to the outcomes we want.  You may read that and think, "huh?"  Here's an example, I want to have a brightly colored room.  I go shopping for paints, and I see a very dark, rich green color, and say, "That's a bad color."  I see a bright cheery yellow and say, "that's a good color." That yellow is good because it leads to the outcome you want.
Definition two

From the Bible in Matthew chapter 7 we read:

  11 If ye then, ^abeing evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

  12 Therefore all things ^awhatsoever ye would that ^bmen should ^cdo to you, ^ddo ye even so to them: for this is the ^elaw and the prophets.

  13 ¶ Enter ye in at the ^astrait ^bgate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to ^cdestruction, and many there be which go in thereat:

  14 Because ^astrait is the ^bgate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto ^clife, and few there be that find it.

  15 ¶ Beware of ^afalse prophets, which come to you in ^bsheep’s clothing, but ^cinwardly they are ravening ^dwolves.

  16 Ye shall ^aknow them by their ^bfruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

  17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth ^agood ^bfruit; but a ^ccorrupt tree bringeth forth ^devil fruit.

  18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

  19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good ^afruit is ^bhewn down, and cast into the fire.

From the Book of Moroni (in the Book of Mormon) chapter 7 verse 13 we read:

12 Wherefore, all things which are ^agood cometh of God; and that which is ^bevil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to ^csin, and to do that which is evil continually.

  13 But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do ^agood continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and ^benticeth to do ^cgood, and to love God, and to serve him, is ^dinspired of God.

  14 Wherefore, take heed, my beloved brethren, that ye do not judge that which is ^aevil to be of God, or that which is good and of God to be of the devil.

  15 For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to ^ajudge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.

  16 For behold, the ^aSpirit of Christ is given to every ^bman, that he may ^cknow good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

  17 But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do ^aevil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him.

Boiled down to it's core both of these passages say the same thing: what is good is what takes you toward God, what is bad takes you away from Him.

I find these two things very compatible, or more precisely I'm saying that for me, good is what leads to God.  So when someone says something is good, ask yourself, what does that mean?  What is good for? Or more literally what does it lead to?

One of the most important skills we can gain and refine in this life is the ability to tell which of our many small actions, attitudes, choices, values, and activities will lead us to what we want.  What do you want? What are you moving toward in your life?

Today I made some bad choices because they led me away from God, because they led me away from what I wanted to achieve, and of course I made some good choices too.  It is rare indeed when we can say that all of one choice or activity is purely good or bad.  Now given this way of understanding good or bad, can anyone be a "bad person" in this definition?  No, instead you have to say what you mean by good, and then say that a persons actions were either good or bad.  You can say that perhaps that person sets a bad example for what you want  in your life, but to say that person is bad, just doesn't make sense.

So I ask you again: what do you want in your life and are the things you do each day leading towards them?  I am not evangelizing here, though if that is a side effect, I'm happy for it.  Decide what you want.  Not what someone told you that you should want, not what you grew up thinking you want, what do you really want?  If you're not sure, examine your heart.  If you've ever prayed or currently do pray, then pray and ask for guidance, and listen for the answer in your heart.  Decide what it is you want and then you know what is good for you.  Then you can begin to gain mastery in that skill, seeing how what we do each day is either good or bad.  You will be surprised though that with reflection you can turn something that is bad into something that is good, usually because you've then learned something about what that thing led you to, and in the future you can make different choices.