Why share all this personal stuff? Personal leadership

I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few months and especially in the last few weeks where I've started sharing more online about what I'm doing in my personal and spiritual life.  Why have I been sharing more?

I'm talking about some very personal things, sharing my personal spiritual experiences some of my hardest struggles.  I've also been very much aware that I have a large group of friends on facebook that I really love seeing at conferences and various other professional things that don't always share my faith or values.  Generally these are people who I respect very much though, and again in general these are people with a good sense of values and who they are and what they want to see in the world.  Despite all of this I've been somewhat hesitant to share some of this stuff because I'm afraid of being judged.  You know what though? Why should I hide any one part of me because of what someone else will think?  Being authentic is about being totally comfortable with me no matter who is around, and so in the interest in being in the world the what I want to see in the world I'm putting it all out there.

You have to be in the world what you want to see in the world.  What I want is more authenticity, more of people feeling confident enough that they can be who they really are all the time.

This idea of personal leadership, not just following what other people do, or what other people want, but rather to say, "This is what I believe and this is the position I'm going to take." is a powerful thing.  As part of my research I talked with someone who said that is what we needed more of in the organization I was studying.  I agreed with him, and have been talking about it since then.  I have a lot more to say about this in the corporate setting, and I'll do that on my other blog, but for my personal life I think there are several implications.

Have you ever said to yourself, "I'm having a really hard time with this thing in my life. I feel alone because it seems that no one else is really going through this.  Other people must be but no one is talking about it."  I've thought that many times.  It is one of my criticisms of western Christianity in general, and the American flavors particularly, and it's even more pronounced in many parts of the most strictly religious churches.  I am not criticizing the idea that there are commandments to be followed, no not at all.  What I'm talking about is the fact that we are all imperfect.  To put it more bluntly, we're all sinners, so why don't we talk about those things that are most difficult for us to deal with in our lives?

I don't watch a lot of TV in general, but I remember seeing a couple scenes about a politician or other known public figure who is known for "family values" and being religious and it turns out they visit a prostitute or had an affair, or other kinds of things.  One of the characters made a comment that it's always those kinds of people who get themselves into these kinds of sticky situations.  Part of the problem is similar to what I wrote about yesterday.  These people, just like I did think that they have to beat themselves up  or that if they mess up in terms of sexuality then they are ruined.  In truth though if, when they are in the early stages of problems start talking to people about it, privately or publicly, then things could be changed around.  So if there were someone out there who has started to feel like they need to view pornography on a daily basis, that they have a hard time getting through a work task without wanting to click over and view something pornographic, or lets say that someone has escalated this and is now turning to coarser material, or let's say even that this person has started going places where one can meet other people for sex, not to actually have sex but just to see what happens.  Of course the next step is extra-marital sex, and it can escalate again and again if you let it.  What if, though, that if a person were to get to that first stage where they're starting to realize that pornography was a problem.  What if they felt comfortable enough to talk to a buddy about it over lunch and their friend had dealt with similar problems and all of a sudden it's not this huge deal.  What if that person could talk to their spouse about it?  What if a woman could talk to her girlfriend about it while their kids played together on the playground?  What if people were talking about it, not in hushed tones of shame and hiding, but rather saying, that hey I'm dealing with this in my life and it's something I'm concerned about.  Now I know that there is a segment of the population that says, "It's ok to use pornography etc, so they shouldn't be ashamed anyway."  I refer you to my previous article on this.

What I'm saying here is that we should treat it lightly, no I'm not saying that.  What I'm saying is that what if there weren't this big huge stigma attached to it?  Pornography is everywhere.  Everyone in the modern context has been exposed.  Some people start using it, and many of them want to stop, but they don't know how, and part of the reason they don't know how is because hardly anyone is talking about it.  Having to figure something out by yourself, with not a lot of help isn't easy.  I'm not saying it's not possible, people do it, but you don't have to do it alone.  You can find help and support.

So I'm out here saying let's be the kind of people that are open about what is happening with them, at least with your friends.  If you had a friend or group of friends that you could bring anything to them, and not feel like they would judge you or blab about things you aren't ready have blabbed around, then perhaps this world would be a better place. So what I'm saying is BE that friend, be open, and help others.

I'm thankful for my friends from MKP who have done that for me.  I'm thankful for Bishops, and counselors, and addiction recovery groups.  I'm thankful for my wife.  I'm thankful for the option process that teaches this kind of attitude and empowers people to find their own answers.

I'm putting it out there because if someone else is struggling I want them to know that I've been there, and it's possible to make it through.  With God's help all things are possible.  Other people have made it and we've learned something along the way.  Ask for help and you'll find it.

I want to have a world where people can have true and loving friends, that will not judge, that will support and help.  In order to create that world I'm starting with me.  I want people to be able to be open about things that are seemingly hard to talk about.  I invite you to come along with me, and create this in your own life.  There are 6.x billion people in the world, made up of smaller groups, but every group no matter how large, is made up of people.  Ultimately we only have control over one thing, our attitudes and our actions.  So I'm changing mine.  Come along.

My cancer story

On Facebook I've been very happy to reconnect to many friends with whom I've lost more frequent contact with.  I recently posted (you have to be my friend to view) about how I've been cancer free for 3+ years, and there was a question from my friend Jill Cherrington Christensen who I met and had a lot of fun with back 18 years ago when we along with many other people were all in the same ward as Freshman back at BYU.  We were all nerds together in the honor dorms, us guys in Chipman hall and the women in Budge hall.  It should be noted that this was a very favorable ratio, I think we had 3 young women for 2 of us guys.  Anyway, so Jill asked me about my story, and I think it's worth retelling.
It was 2007, I was in the throws of my second semester of graduate school, having returned to do my MS in Human-Computer Interaction Design.  Graduate school is a demanding time for anyone I think, but I had noticed my energy levels especially low, that I had great difficulty concentrating, and was often sick.  Of course I tried to push myself to keep up with my peers, an amazing group I am still thankful for.
I remember on one of those long class days in late february or early March where I had Jeff Bardzell's class, right before Eli Blevis' class and the day had started with an amazing game design course I was taking from Sonny Kirkley that semester.  I went to the first floor bathroom in the building that is now called informatics west (this was before informatics east was finished) and with some difficulty I peed blood, gross hematuria for you medical types.  I remember Eli coming into the bathroom shortly thereafter and asking if I was ok, I gave my standard fine, and left.  I felt like I needed to do something about it, but of course I felt like I should go to class first.  I called Vanessa and talked to her about it and after class that day I rushed on over to the health center.  I had the standard pee in a cup kind of thing and even though no longer really visible the test not only showed that I had high levels of blood in my urine, but my blood glucose (sugar) levels were high.
Within a few days I had an appointment with a doctor, the person who was to become my doctor, Dr. David Burkhart.  I was diagnosed officially with Diabetes Mellitus Type 2 rather quickly based on my fasting glucose levels and my highish Hemoglobin a1c score. (~7.8 if I remember right).  After that I started to deal with the Diabetes by taking a course and getting back on Metformin (I had been taking it several years before this, but my scores had improved so much and my health insurance lapsed that I had stopped taking it, also at that time I never had an official diagnosis, just an ad hoc one).  My doctor also suggested that it would make sense to have an ultasound "to make sure there aren't any goombas" sitting there in my kidneys.  I thought it made a lot of sense to schedule this for after CHI 2007, the really big conference for my field which was April 28-May 3.  I had that ultrasound on Monday May 7 or 8.  I remember very distinctly getting a call back from my the nurse who most often works with my Doctor, Susy French very soon after the ultrasound, I think it was the next morning asking me to come in that afternoon.  What that really meant hadn't really sunk in yet, but Vanessa and I went together (I think).  It was clear that there was in fact something in my left kidney that ought not be.  Dr. Burkhart said a detailed scan via CT was necessary, and that I should see a specialist.  He suggested Dr. Eric Smith at Summit Urology.  I asked what I now consider to be one of the important questions when it comes to referrals.  I asked who he would see if he were in a similar situation.  Without hesitation Dr. Burkhart said he would see Dr. Smith, not only was he a friend, but he was one of the best in the practice and Summit was virtually the only private urology practice (although certainly a large one) in the area.  He also assured me that he had a lot of experience as a surgeon so if it came to that he would trust Eric to cut him open.
Before we met with Dr. Smith a CT scan was ordered the very next morning.  Our response was typical, we immediately began reading about what the problem could be.  Without a better picture that the CT scan would provide we didn't know for sure, but it was most likely cancer.  We explored all the different types, what they would look for on the scans and what the course of action was.
The next morning on the 9th I did the drill I'm now actually quite used to for CT Scans.  First is the no food part, then you get to start drinking the awful barium drink.  I remember going to Rose Radiology in town to pick up the drink and get the instructions.  They offered banana or grape, I asked which one was better.  I got an honest reply (always a good policy) when she said they were both pretty awful, but if she had to she'd take the banana.  I've always been a fan of artificial banana flavoring (yah I know I'm a bit odd that way) so I followed her advice.  If you don't already know that barium stuff will clean you out.  Quite often they ask you to take some kind of laxative to help clean you out as well, well I certainly didn't need to do this.  I asked what the technician thought and as per their regulations he can't comment The radiologist sent his report to our doctor the next day.  The appearance of nectrotic tissue and a few other characteristics gave the indication that it was renal cell clear cell carcinoma.  The good news at that stage was that once properly removed there is a low reoccurrence rate, and the bad news is that if it should reoccur in less than 5 years the survivorship is very low.  The news that I liked most of all though was that chemo- and radiation therapies generally have little effect, so that surgery was the very best option.  By now it was the 10th of May, a Thursday we scheduled the surgery for the 15th, the following Tuesday.  On Friday we went in for all the pre-operation procedures, to sign the paperwork both at the hospital as well as at the doctor's practice to really understand what would happen in terms of details.
On Thursday and Friday we put the word out to church family in Bloomington, the HCI/d community at school, and our family and friends scattered all over the world.   We called for fasting and prayer over the weekend.  I was bold in asking for help and support from everyone I knew.  Normally I'm not so great at asking for help, but this was not one of those occasions.  I was totally blown away by the support I got from my school community.  People who I didn't know really prayed at all said they would.  People fasted, people did whatever they normally do in their spiritual traditions to help others along their path.  It was amazing.  Our church family also held a special fast for me as well as another member who was going in for surgery the same week.  Our family all over fasted.  It was an amazing outpouring.
Even before the fast started I had a feeling of peace, but as I fasted and prayed that feeling of peace and reassurance came over me deeply.  I had no doubt that I would recover.  I received a priesthood blessing and I was blessed then that the surgery would be a success and I would heal quickly and totally and that I should listen to my doctor's advice.  It was this reassurance from God along with the outpouring of help from friends that got us through.
On May 15, 2007 I went in to Bloomington Hospital and they performed a radical nephrectomy, meaning the whole kidney, the lymph node, and the adrenal gland and the fatty tissue around it.  During the surgery Nina watched Ezra while Vanessa waited at the hospital along with at least quite a number of my friends from the HCI/d program including two of the professors (Thanks Jeff & Shaowen!).  The surgery was fairly short and went without any kind of problems.  Pathology indicated that it was a Stage 3 tumor, meaning it had gone outside of the kidney.  In my case it had just barely pierced the renal envelope and all indications were that there was no spread beyond the area that was removed.  It was confirmed as well that it was as they thought renal cell clear cell carcinoma.
The next three days were a series of visits from practically every single member of the HCI/d program that was in town between semesters, many people from church including our Bishop and my wonderful home teacher Erik Willis, and many others.  While absolutely following all the orders I certainly made sure I was as active as I could be.  The long cut through my core muscles (they went through the front) left me unable to bend over very far or lay on my side or turn over.  I walked around my hospital ward as much as I could dragging the IV machine, pushing my little pain medicine button the first day or so and eventually they took it away as I didn't seem to need it any more.  I asked to be released as soon as possible as you just can't sleep properly in the hospital.  I just wanted to rest and so, in what most of the staff agreed was the fastest they've seen after a cancer surgery, I was released.  Of course most of the other patients who have similar surgeries are double my age or more (I was 33 at the time), so the bar wasn't terribly high.  Still I was happy to return home.  So May 18th I spent the night in my own bed.
Vanessa and I were a pretty pathetic pair I must say though.  She was 7 months pregnant (Micah was born July 5th) and she couldn't bend over and pick anything up.  I couldn't either.  My parents came up for two weeks to help watch Ezra and ease us through the big part of the recovery period.  We got an easy reacher and laughed at how pathetic we looked together.
I ambitiously wanted to change the way I lived my life, by eating more healthily, which I thought meant eating raw.  Of course being a student I realized I couldn't possibly afford it.  Unbeknownst to me Tyler Pace raised $500 for an "HCI/d pantry makeover fund."  It was an extremely touching moment when he and Natalie came over and presented the check to me.  In the memo/for line he put "Your awesomeness." 
As I mentioned occurrence within 5 years has a very low survivorship rate, so vigilance is necessary during that period especially.  The first two years and a half years I had a CT scan every 6 months, and just this month I had an ultra-sound (less radiation is a good thing).  I'll alternate between CT scan and ultrasound for the next two years until I reach the 5 year mark.  After that we can let the frequency diminish in consultation with the circumstances up until that point.
Having cancer taught me several things.  First is that when it really counts and you ask people are totally ready to help in amazing ways.  Second, things are what you make of it, I had an amazingly positive experience from the start.  It brought me closer to many people, doctors who I still stay in contact with, nurses, friends, and many others.  Third, is that God can give you peace.  In my case the outcome was that I still get to live this life, but even if it had not been I would have felt peace.
I'm sure there are many other things and details and people to thank, but this is my first draft.  I'll add to this post and get some shorter versions, but here's the long one.

An excellent post on the dangers of pornography

I just had to write a bit about this excellent post and the discussion that happened thereafter in the comments.  A friend, Ryan Peck,  who is becoming a dear friend of mine that I met at the incredible SonRise New Frontiers program in May wrote an excellent post about the dangers of pornography.  Before I forget I want to direct all interested parties to my church's very excellent website combating pornography.
In the comments I wrote a few different things, but here is the most relevant.
From a Christian point of view it's really not much of a debate on the dangers of pornography.  The scriptures clearly teach about lust.  There have been several great books and articles from about keeping one's "thought life" clean, the living prophets have spoken out again and again and again on this subject.
There are a few things I need to say here.  First is I've fought this fight, and for many years I let pornography get the best of me.  It left me feeling bad about myself, much of that was because of my insanely awesome tendency to beat myself up.  Part of the reason I felt bad was because the spirit of the Lord does not dwell in unholy temples, and that means I didn't have the spirit with me during and after participation in these activities, so naturally I felt a decrease in all the qualities that the spirit brings and magnifies in ourselves (see Galations 5).  OK so that's pretty well established, but what about those who may not share my faith. This may not be all that obvious.
So let me say that I'm calling pornography bad, and when I say bad I mean specifically that I'm setting up a system of make believe.  Every system of make believe like science, religion, disciplinary training, communities of practice, etc has what they consider to be good and bad things, and what they mean is they want them (good) or don't want them (bad).  This idea of making believe I'm borrowing very liberally and with attribution from Barry "Bears" Neil Kaufman several of his books.  The reason why it's bad is that it leads to thoughts about sex with people other than your spouse.  For me, that means away from my wife Vanessa who will be my eternal companion if we choose to stay true to the sealing that was promised to us in the San Diego Temple.  What I'm saying is I'm calling an eternal family a good thing, something I want.  In the simplest possible terms: there is no possible way that pornography will not lead you away from a forever family, let alone a happy and enduring relationship in this life.  This is why I call pornography bad, well not just bad, VERY bad.  Note that I'm not making any kind of judgment on those who use pornography, but rather the thing itself, and the resultant consequences that show up in peoples lives.  What I'm saying is that I'm not a bad person because I felt addicted to pornography for all those years, and those other people who freely choose to do so either, but there are certain unavoidable consequences, and I didn't want that in my life, and those who DO use pornography and say they want the same things that I do are, like I was, totally deceiving themselves.  There is no half way, there is no "just a little won't hurt" there.