Managing and coping when I'd rather be recovered

Depression is a funny thing.

Of course not funny hah hah, but funny as in odd.  I've dealt with depression all of my adult life as well as in my teenage years.  It comes and goes, of course it doesn't feel like that.  So what does it feel like? It's very much dependent on context.

If I'm depressed, not just a down day, which I think almost everyone had here and there, but depressed, everything seems bleak.  Vanessa and I sometimes manage to joke about it, the phrase we use is, "all is woe." It's only funny because it's true.  From this point of view it seems like any happiness we once knew is but a fleeting memory, anything that is good was only mercurial, and all that is real is the dull ache of reality.  Any kind of objective (objective as in outside myself) data, about my life at least, will easily show that this is not true, but that's how it feels.

If I'm having a really up day, then I'm on top of the world, nothing can really go wrong and any plan I start today will last forever or at least until it comes beautifully into fruition.  I don't have many of these days, but they do happen a few times a year.

The state I tend to live in is that of staying for a while on one side of a very blurry line and then cross over that line for a while to visit the other side.  There aren't a lot of highs and lows in this kind of existence, but rather a lot of middling, mediums, and so-sos.  Life is neither particularly sweet, nor so awful I regret ever being brought into this life.    

I must say I've been on the lower side of that line for a while, depressed and stressed to the point where I'm having a hard time getting to typical achievement levels.  Daily tasks are difficult, completing things, focusing on something are all difficult for me.  So I cope.  I manage them, I make lists, I ask for or at least start to accept help.  I admit my struggles to those whom I'd really rather not tell in order to get a little more slack in my life.

I'm tired of managing and coping.  I'd rather be recovered, say things like "When I was depressed I used to.." or "Before I learned how to really work with my depression I would..." but no. I'm struggling, managing, and coping.

Well for now that's what I got.  I'm taking some new supplements that are helping, and I keep on keepin' on. One day at a time and all that.

This is me, so take it or leave it.

Taking time for yourself

It's easy for me to start to feel overwhelmed.  I'll probably talk about some of the reasons why I choose to feel overwhelmed in a future post, but let's just cut to the chase: I choose to feel overwhelmed.  Now I want to differentiate between a busy schedule and feeling overwhelmed.  A busy schedule is something that the vast majority of us deal with in almost all of the developed world and a large part of the developing world as well.  Now it would be easy to start keeping score and play the oneupsmanship game of "see who's busiest" as if that's some kind of badge of honor.  Just thinking about that makes me want to write a post about that game.  So let's just say that you have a busy schedule, when does it start to feel like it's too much?  When do you feel like you just can't take it anymore?  When are you feeling like you're ready to walk away from your troubles for a time?

I've noticed though that it's not about how much I do, it's much more about my judgment about my schedule that changes how I feel and react negatively to it.  It's easy to get resentful like this, "Why do we have an autistic child?" or "why don't they pay me more? I do very good work."  Or perhaps after a brief look at a very full day I see I'm scheduled from 7-7 and then after the kids are in bed I need to take care of paperwork or help clean the house or take care of something.  At that point even putting a date on the schedule can start to feel like one more thing that I need to do.

So if a friend came to me and told me that they were feeling like this I would say, "Take some time for yourself!"  I've told this to my wife before, and asked her to take time for activities that she enjoys.  I've been so proud of her this week for taking time to practice singing again. We all love hearing it in the house and she feels better doing it.  Of course when the tables are turned I've said, "I don't feel like I can take time for myself right now, it's just too busy of a time."  Of course it's busy, I'm doing a PhD for goodness sake!  I have a study to finish planning, and start running, I've got a paper to write, I've got well I could keep going and going.  When someone says, "Take some time off" I say, quite correctly, "I can't take any time right now because the work will just pile up higher and higher."  I've envisioned in my mind taking a week or two off, totally unplugging, forgetting all the things I need to do.   Of course I rebel against that, taking a week or two off is not something I can necessarily do on a whim.  I have obligations to my colleagues, my advisors who take time out of their schedules to help my with my PhD project.   If I totally forgot about all the things I need to do then I'd be a bad person, and maybe I'd like being away from all my duties and never want to do them again.  So if I took time off I'd need to not totally unplug.  I'd need to stay connected to email and other things.  I'd need to try and sneak in some work in the evenings and take some of those important calls.  Here's another good one, I need to save my time off because I'll need to take on some contract work so I can make up the difference for what we fall short every month. I have my duties at church to take care of, I have my children and wife to consider.  I can't do that.

Or can I?  What is to stop me from doing it?  My sense of the fact that "hard workers don't need big breaks and time off." Or here's another judgement I didn't know I had until I started really going into it, "I want to be do good work quickly, because I want to prove I'm smart."  I think that anyone can do good work, well I know I can do, but doing it quickly and apparently with not a lot of effort, I can thereby prove I'm smart.  Here's a good one, "Those who lose their lives for my sake, shall find it."  I.e. those who spend their time in the service of others.  I can't take time for me because that would be selfish.  I can't take time because you should give as much as you can give.  I can't take time I can't take time because the, "the Lord never said to take breaks." (my words)  Did he?  I can't take time because that would mean I'm a bad dad.  I can't take time because I need to make up for when my addictions, compulsions, or other bad choices have taken me away from my family or helping others, or progressing in my education or my career.  I even used the words of the living prophets to prove my point.  From President Eyring's talk of April.  Here's the passage he quoted from D&C 

“Wherefore, now let every man learn his duty, and to act in the office in which he is appointed, in all diligence. He that is slothful shall not be counted worthy to stand, and he that learns not his duty and shows himself not approved shall not be counted worthy to stand. Even so. Amen."

This part came to my mind in the talk:

Sitting down to rest can be more attractive than making appointments to visit those who need our priesthood service.  When I find myself drawn away from my priesthood duties by other interests and when my body begs for rest, I give to myself this rallying cry: “Remember Him.” 

I was using all of this as a reason why I can't give myself a break.

I'm NOT making all of this up.  When I really looked at the reasons why I couldn't take time I came up with all of these pretty ridiculous things.  So in this way of thinking, if I take a break, then I'm a bad person.  If I take a break and enjoy the time away I'm a bad person.  I don't take a break and resent all the stuff I have to do I'm a bad person.  I need to just work and like it.  It's totally ridiculous, but in some shape or another I believed all of these things.

Just to clarify on a few points it does say in scripture that you, "can't run faster than you are able" and while God does expect our very best, he doesn't expect us to do more than we are able to.  If I were to take a whole month off I'm sure I would take steps to make sure my vital duties are taken care of at church and at work.  If I took that long off I'd do it with my family so there's no problem there.  If I took the time off and found myself so happy to be away from all of the other things even after a few weeks I'd question my motivations for doing them.

All the arguments I've given Vanessa and others who are too focused on work come flooding back.  I'll be a better researcher, dad, priesthood holder, friend etc if I take time off.  I'll come back with more energy, I'll come with new fresh ideas on how to improve whatever it is.  I'll come back with appreciation for the routine that my work provides (I like routines pretty well).

Here's a novel question though, why can't I just take a whole day to myself?  No taking care of the kids, no work, no church stuff, no cleaning.  Would that set me back an irreparable distance from my work goals and hard deadlines?

I thought....
and I thought....
and I thought....

There is no good reason for not taking a whole day.

And so I did.  Today is that day.

What is good?

It's interesting to see what people's definitions of good are.  We use this word or one of it's many synonyms  on a regular basis and I don't think we stop to think about what it means.
Without getting very philosophical I'm going to offer up two definitions which I think are two ways of saying the same thing.
Definition one
Good is what we call the things that lead to the outcomes we want.  You may read that and think, "huh?"  Here's an example, I want to have a brightly colored room.  I go shopping for paints, and I see a very dark, rich green color, and say, "That's a bad color."  I see a bright cheery yellow and say, "that's a good color." That yellow is good because it leads to the outcome you want.
Definition two

From the Bible in Matthew chapter 7 we read:

  11 If ye then, ^abeing evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

  12 Therefore all things ^awhatsoever ye would that ^bmen should ^cdo to you, ^ddo ye even so to them: for this is the ^elaw and the prophets.

  13 ¶ Enter ye in at the ^astrait ^bgate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to ^cdestruction, and many there be which go in thereat:

  14 Because ^astrait is the ^bgate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto ^clife, and few there be that find it.

  15 ¶ Beware of ^afalse prophets, which come to you in ^bsheep’s clothing, but ^cinwardly they are ravening ^dwolves.

  16 Ye shall ^aknow them by their ^bfruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

  17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth ^agood ^bfruit; but a ^ccorrupt tree bringeth forth ^devil fruit.

  18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

  19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good ^afruit is ^bhewn down, and cast into the fire.

From the Book of Moroni (in the Book of Mormon) chapter 7 verse 13 we read:

12 Wherefore, all things which are ^agood cometh of God; and that which is ^bevil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to ^csin, and to do that which is evil continually.

  13 But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do ^agood continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and ^benticeth to do ^cgood, and to love God, and to serve him, is ^dinspired of God.

  14 Wherefore, take heed, my beloved brethren, that ye do not judge that which is ^aevil to be of God, or that which is good and of God to be of the devil.

  15 For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to ^ajudge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.

  16 For behold, the ^aSpirit of Christ is given to every ^bman, that he may ^cknow good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

  17 But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do ^aevil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him.

Boiled down to it's core both of these passages say the same thing: what is good is what takes you toward God, what is bad takes you away from Him.

I find these two things very compatible, or more precisely I'm saying that for me, good is what leads to God.  So when someone says something is good, ask yourself, what does that mean?  What is good for? Or more literally what does it lead to?

One of the most important skills we can gain and refine in this life is the ability to tell which of our many small actions, attitudes, choices, values, and activities will lead us to what we want.  What do you want? What are you moving toward in your life?

Today I made some bad choices because they led me away from God, because they led me away from what I wanted to achieve, and of course I made some good choices too.  It is rare indeed when we can say that all of one choice or activity is purely good or bad.  Now given this way of understanding good or bad, can anyone be a "bad person" in this definition?  No, instead you have to say what you mean by good, and then say that a persons actions were either good or bad.  You can say that perhaps that person sets a bad example for what you want  in your life, but to say that person is bad, just doesn't make sense.

So I ask you again: what do you want in your life and are the things you do each day leading towards them?  I am not evangelizing here, though if that is a side effect, I'm happy for it.  Decide what you want.  Not what someone told you that you should want, not what you grew up thinking you want, what do you really want?  If you're not sure, examine your heart.  If you've ever prayed or currently do pray, then pray and ask for guidance, and listen for the answer in your heart.  Decide what it is you want and then you know what is good for you.  Then you can begin to gain mastery in that skill, seeing how what we do each day is either good or bad.  You will be surprised though that with reflection you can turn something that is bad into something that is good, usually because you've then learned something about what that thing led you to, and in the future you can make different choices.

The home as a laboratory of love and service

This morning on my very rainy bike ride to work I listened to a talk from general conference (which is a twice yearly meeting for everyone in our church, broadcast via internet and satellite, called “Salvation and Exaltation” by Elder Russel M. Nelson who is an apostle. Salvation, what is often called being saved, which I understand to mean the triumph over death and resurrection is general, universal, but exaltation is personal and family-oriented. Exaltation, or eternal life, which is described as the life of God, being with Him and like Him is what God wants for each of his daughters and sons. This is not an easy thing, even with the atonement of Jesus Christ which makes it possible to repent and return to God we need help in this life, but God has provided support along the way to get us there, specifically the family. He says:
“Individual progression is fostered in the family, which is “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”9 The home is to be God’s laboratory of love and service. There a husband is to love his wife, a wife is to love her husband, and parents and children are to love one another.”
I love this idea of the home being a lab. I recently wrote about iterating on personal plans. Iterating, or doing something several times in order to improve it is one of the basic things that people do in labs. We try different things and see what the result is. We write down what works and what doesn't and why. we keep careful track of things and see results whether they are what we expect or not. I actually work in a research laboratory, and although there are a number of people in my group who mix chemicals, create new lighting and electronic concepts, I do not. Instead I study people, and some of that is based in a laboratory setting. Even though none of us wear white lab coats like you see on TV we're all trying to find out laws and principles of how things work so we can apply them.

So what could it mean that our home is a laboratory of love and service? For me it means much the same thing. Experimenting with love and service to each other. So often with our children we are faced with tough questions. When one is hitting the other or us, what is our reaction? When they are kind and give each other hugs and hold each others hand as we walk around together what can our reactions be? So often we revert to a kind of default setting with our children and try to motivate and change behavior with anger, unhappiness, (fake) sadness, or other things like that. It's pretty easy when your child hits you to ignore it, until it actually hurts, then often I feel like hitting back, or yelling at them. Just to be clear sometimes we do get angry, or yell, put them on tie out, or even hit our children. What we have noticed though is that anger only creates more anger, using hitting is only showing them that hitting works to stop someone for doing something you don't want. Using unhappiness to get your kids to do something seems encourages whining and tantrums (a form of unhappiness) until they get their way. Yelling similarly encourages raising your voice when you want to get your way. We've tried these things, not intentionally mind you, but as a kind of natural reaction (perhaps you've heard of the natural man?)
Instead of this kind of default setting we're experimenting with love in our family.  We started doing this a few months ago explicitly.   We have family rules, and if anyone breaks them there are consequences, this includes us the parents. They are:

1.We listen to mommy and daddy.
2. We are kind to each other.
3. We use words to express our feelings.
4. It is OK to be angry. It is not OK to hurt anyone or our stuff when you’re angry.
5. We use a nice voice to speak.
6. We wait our turn and share.
7. We ask permission before taking something.
8. We use happy voices when we want something.
9. If you need help, ask and pray.
We choose how we want to feel!

We are trying different approaches with our children seeing what love can do for them and for us.  Discipline, of course, is necessary, but doing it in love instead of anger or just wanting things our way totally changes how it feels for both us and for them.  Finding ways to serve and help each other is fun, and brings us together as a family.
The powerful part that we have only done partially is iterating on our plans.  We do make plans for what we want to do as a family.  We talk about them together as part of family councils and family home evenings.  I look forward to the day when we can create our family rules together and have us all decide together what we want to create for ourselves.  Keeping track of the results of not only the rules but how we apply them with each other will help us to see more clearly what kinds of things we are creating for ourselves.
I firmly believe that this life is what we make it.  Given our choices and thoughts we can create a heaven in our homes, or we can create warfare and hell.  So we're experimenting to see what will create heaven in our home.  We'll iterate, and keep trying.  I think we're going to keep better track of our successes and failures and let both of them teach us so we can make things better.
We're tinkering with love, seeing what service brings.  I just love saying that.

So what do you think playing and experimenting with love and service could do in your home, your office, and your life?

Iterating your personal plans

Iteration is the process of repeating something deliberately to improve whatever was created initially.  It's like giving it another try.  One could also see iteration as deliberate practice, i.e. doing something again and again in order to gain some kind of mastery.  It's like a directional spiral like this one that you may have seen if you have kids who like to play on playgrounds.

What is a personal plan? I just made up this word a while ago, but a personal plan is the system of actions, steps, or attitudes to be carried out, or cultured in order to bring about a desired outcome.  Personal plans aren't goals per se, though they may include them, but rather they way you will achieve a goal.  It's a series of measurable or at least trackable actions that can be taken on a daily or weekly basis, and this is all in service of achieving something that will take months or years to accomplish.  I haven't had much luck with things that are done on a monthly basis because it's just too easy to lose track of what you've done in a month.

One of the key success points is not only tracking parts of your plan is to review your plan regularly.  I currently have a recurring task in outlook to review my personal plan with a link to the plan (it's in a google doc) to pop up every other weekday.  This means that some weeks I get MWF and then the next week I get TTh.  I like this method.  I have an alarm associated with it so it pops up at a preset time where I tend to be less productive (around lunch time).  If I am in fact busy with other things I dismiss it, but the task itself shows in my list and when I get to my tasks for the day (or a day late if I'm quite busy) I open the task and then click the link and review the points on my plan.  I currently have 9 points.  Here are the kinds of questions I ask myself.

• Am I doing this?  
• Is it just the action that I've written down or am I really doing it wholeheartedly?
• Is this thing really contributing towards the goal of this whole plan?  (you gotta give it time though at least a couple of months)
• Is there a way to modify this that will make it more like that I'll do it?
• (If I'm not doing something) what is my belief the belief I'm choosing to hold that prevents me from doing this?

Sometimes I just read through them and ask myself the first question or two, but if I have time I do all of them.  When I make a change I copy the current version and then paste it (so all the past versions go down the page) and then I modify what I have.  Going back and looking at what I used to do is helpful.  Sometimes I look at what I'm doing and go back, or realize different ways of accomplishing one of my points that I had forgotten about.  The other thing I am doing is looking at how effective my plan is in terms of results on my moodscope scores or how many times behaviors or thoughts that I want to eliminate are showing up in my life.

So why iterate?  So often we set new years resolutions and drop them, or we start a new exercise program and it's too hard. Or we set ambitious goals and make a big part of them or all of it and then you're looking for the next thing.  Instead of just floating along, iterate.  Find the daily or weekly activities that really make you the person you want to be.  Find the principles on which they operate and then get that as part of your plan and iterate on it, see what works best for that.

Here's an example.  One of the things I've noticed makes an impact on my life is reading the scriptures.  What is the principle here though, is it simply reading? no it's being involved with and understanding God's will for me in my life, and how he deals with his children.  Do I get that just from reading? No not exactly.  One part is being consistent, and the other is spending time and getting into a state of flow, really getting into the word.  So now I have two separate parts to my plan on this.  One is being in there everyday, another is taking extended periods of time a few times a week.  

Have you ever iterated goals or plans? How has it worked for you?

Update: I've reread this post and it really lacks clarity and that certain something.  This post was something I've noticed in my life, but the actual personal plan I wanted to share was extremely personal. Yes I want to open up my inner life a lot more, but this would have been quite over the top in some cases.  Without the concreteness of my example this post isn't what it could be.
I would like to report however that I've updated my plan again after writing this post to explicitly include the principles/purposes of each point of my plan.

Is there such a thing as a "healthy obsession"?

I posted a link a while back on what an obesity expert has to say about "the secret" to losing weight.   I posted it on facebook so maybe you missed it.  One of my favorite quotes towards the end is this one:

"It shouldn't take up your whole life," he says. "Imagine if you had another medical condition. You do the treatment and go home, you take the medicines if needed and you avoid things that might aggravate the condition but you don’t necessarily make your whole life revolve around it…in fact just the opposite--you live life to its fullestwithout letting your condition take over your life." Read the whole thing here.

I've made quite some progress on my journey to health.  Over the last 3 years I've lost about 50 pounds (22kg) and kept it off, varying in weight in a 10 pound range or so.  I've done this doing a few things, none of them will be shocking to you.

• Being more active
• Tracking calories
• Weighing in regularly
• Deciding I wanted it
• Figuring out why I wanted it
• Figuring out what beliefs are stopping me

I could write a post on each one of these, but briefly I've been using SparkPeople.com for a few months and it's helpful, I recommend it.  Being more active is easy when you can bike to work every day.  Thank you to living and working in the Netherlands.  You can't stay in denial if you weigh yourself and then plot it on a graph.  This is about having "hard" data, I posted a bit about this last time, and what I mean by hard data is that it's stored outside yourself and can be recalled without the current mood or emotion coloring it.  So I can't lie so easily and say I'm not doing that bad.   The last three things are all mental, deciding, having a reason, and also figuring out some of the reasons that I haven't done it in the past.  

For example one of my reasons that was stopping me is that if I were in shape then I would be attractive and then I would then attract attention sexually from those other than my wife and put myself into temptation.  As soon as you say out loud or write things like that down they become quite silly.  Just naming them takes almost all the power from them.  Of course it's possible I may become more attractive to others, but what I would do with that is strictly up to me.  I have my values, I've my my promises and covenants and I know where I want to go with my life and afterlife.  I'm not perfect, but I've decided, so then all of a sudden something that was lurking in my mind stopping me becomes a silly passing thought, something to be discarded.  I spent some time going to overeaters anonymous, to some extent that was helpful.  I spent time attending my church's addiction recovery program, that also had some good points to it.

All of this is showing though how much energy I've focused on this whole area of my life.  The point I really wanted to get to though is that I've put quite a lot of time and energy on losing weight, or my relationship with food, or becoming more healthy.  So I'm changing my life, the way I live, the way I feel, but at what cost?  I'm becoming obsessed with all of it, letting this thing take a lot of my time focus and energy.  One may say that this is a good thing, and to some extent I agree, the changes are positive, but I can truthfully say I've seen some people do very well winning the battle in their own journey to health, but the result is they replace one obsession with another.  I'm not looking to do that, I'm looking to do away with obsession in my life, everything in moderation and in its season.

I can see that there are some phases to this whole thing, in somewhat logical order, but it's different for everyone:

1. Realize there's a problem (some kind of wake up call)
2. Figure out how big the problem is (tracking)
3. Start changing it and tracking the difference
4. Achieve real change
5. Make the change permanent

I guess the fear I have is that I'll then become obsessed with the whole thing and let it continue to eat of significant portions of my energy.  My underlying belief here, the way I see it now is that "if I don't focus on it, then I'll relapse into bad habits" and that for me, who tends to not do things half-way that focus will be relentless, or that I need to stay in a permanent state of fear in order to stay healthy.  In this case I'm essentially motivating myself with unhappiness (fear).  

My conclusion now is that obsession, at least for me, is driven by fear.  This is just one way I use unhappiness to motivate me to do things.  So in this definition is there such a thing as a healthy obsession? no, no there is not.  

What are my alternatives? The belief that I'm a healthy man, that I do and eat those things that keep my happy and healthy naturally is a good one.  I'll play with that one and report back.

Be in the world what you want to see in the world

Have you ever been frustrated, depressed, or outraged by something, a seemingly small something that someone else did?  I think we've all been there.  A little something can make a big difference to some people.

I've talked about personal leadership, and this is the same theme.  I used to just hate when people at work left a big mess in the kitchen there.  I used to be sad (and still am sometimes too) how we make some things taboo to talk about in our society when talking about them would make so many people's lives better.  These are two examples of thing I wish were different in the world.  I used to complain about these things. I would perhaps do something about it, but complain ("I'm cleaning this kitchen but I'm gonna post a sign telling people off about keeping it clean" is a good example).  What I've found to be so much more effective, and satisfying is to be in the world what I want to see in the world.

These are two examples of what I'm changing in my life, because I am being what I want to see.  So at work I clean things up, wipe up that counter, and even wipe down the coffee machine where all the spills happen near the dispenser.  Sure we have a cleaning crew who comes along and does a great job, but they get to the kitchen area about 1x/week.  That's totally ok, but I like a clean counter.  That's about what I want.  So I'm doing it.  How long does it take an extra 45-75 seconds of my day.  My satisfaction goes way up knowing I made a difference to me at least and maybe someone else will like it too.  I feel good because I'm doing something.

The next is about so-called "mental health."  That's not my favorite term, but I'm talking about depression here.  I've dealt with it many times throughout my life.  It comes and goes.  I've been on anti-depressants before, and while it helped rather quickly (within weeks) I didn't like the feeling of being dependent on something.  Of course this is not a bad lesson to learn, but I didn't really want to learn it then.  So these days I exercise intensely each day, it makes a world of difference in my mood and my health.  When I don't the results are quite immediate, when I do the same is true.  When I eat crap, I feel like crap.  When I eat too much (yah I can get compulsive with food), I tend to feel down, and of course it works the other way too, if I'm down I tend to eat.  That's called a vicious cycle/downward spiral.

Enter moodscope into my life.  In April I started tracking my moods, sporadically at first, but then much more regularly.  It is a test you can take daily to measure your mood.  It's a "validated" questionnaire which means that some psychologist out there made it up and a bunch of other psychologists also agree that it's measuring something that is worth measuring in a way that is clear and helpful.  To be honest the test isn't my super favorite, but the point is that it's a good one and it's available at moodscope.com for free.  By tracking it and reflecting on it I can start to see patterns.

Here is what I've learned so far, and because I have "hard data" or at least more objective data, it makes it so much easier.  This is because when I get down everything seems awful and always has been awful.  When I exercise I feel better.  Low moods don't last forever, it always comes back up.  When I get my stuff done at work I feel better.  Tracking it everyday helps.

In order to get it out there I even volunteered to be an alpha tester for connecting my moodscope scores with twitter, and of course I have twitter connected to Facebook so quite a few people now can know how I'm doing.  Do all of them care: no, but some do.  If I can help one person feel like they can turn somewhere for help, or help one person know that feeling depressed happens to someone else then I know I've done some good. (PS click to see my moodscope graph directly )

Be in the world what you want to see in the world.  What don't you see that you can be? What is one small thing you can change/add/delete from your life that will make the world a better place?  Choose one, just one and change it this week.

Why share all this personal stuff? Personal leadership

I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few months and especially in the last few weeks where I've started sharing more online about what I'm doing in my personal and spiritual life.  Why have I been sharing more?

I'm talking about some very personal things, sharing my personal spiritual experiences some of my hardest struggles.  I've also been very much aware that I have a large group of friends on facebook that I really love seeing at conferences and various other professional things that don't always share my faith or values.  Generally these are people who I respect very much though, and again in general these are people with a good sense of values and who they are and what they want to see in the world.  Despite all of this I've been somewhat hesitant to share some of this stuff because I'm afraid of being judged.  You know what though? Why should I hide any one part of me because of what someone else will think?  Being authentic is about being totally comfortable with me no matter who is around, and so in the interest in being in the world the what I want to see in the world I'm putting it all out there.

You have to be in the world what you want to see in the world.  What I want is more authenticity, more of people feeling confident enough that they can be who they really are all the time.

This idea of personal leadership, not just following what other people do, or what other people want, but rather to say, "This is what I believe and this is the position I'm going to take." is a powerful thing.  As part of my research I talked with someone who said that is what we needed more of in the organization I was studying.  I agreed with him, and have been talking about it since then.  I have a lot more to say about this in the corporate setting, and I'll do that on my other blog, but for my personal life I think there are several implications.

Have you ever said to yourself, "I'm having a really hard time with this thing in my life. I feel alone because it seems that no one else is really going through this.  Other people must be but no one is talking about it."  I've thought that many times.  It is one of my criticisms of western Christianity in general, and the American flavors particularly, and it's even more pronounced in many parts of the most strictly religious churches.  I am not criticizing the idea that there are commandments to be followed, no not at all.  What I'm talking about is the fact that we are all imperfect.  To put it more bluntly, we're all sinners, so why don't we talk about those things that are most difficult for us to deal with in our lives?

I don't watch a lot of TV in general, but I remember seeing a couple scenes about a politician or other known public figure who is known for "family values" and being religious and it turns out they visit a prostitute or had an affair, or other kinds of things.  One of the characters made a comment that it's always those kinds of people who get themselves into these kinds of sticky situations.  Part of the problem is similar to what I wrote about yesterday.  These people, just like I did think that they have to beat themselves up  or that if they mess up in terms of sexuality then they are ruined.  In truth though if, when they are in the early stages of problems start talking to people about it, privately or publicly, then things could be changed around.  So if there were someone out there who has started to feel like they need to view pornography on a daily basis, that they have a hard time getting through a work task without wanting to click over and view something pornographic, or lets say that someone has escalated this and is now turning to coarser material, or let's say even that this person has started going places where one can meet other people for sex, not to actually have sex but just to see what happens.  Of course the next step is extra-marital sex, and it can escalate again and again if you let it.  What if, though, that if a person were to get to that first stage where they're starting to realize that pornography was a problem.  What if they felt comfortable enough to talk to a buddy about it over lunch and their friend had dealt with similar problems and all of a sudden it's not this huge deal.  What if that person could talk to their spouse about it?  What if a woman could talk to her girlfriend about it while their kids played together on the playground?  What if people were talking about it, not in hushed tones of shame and hiding, but rather saying, that hey I'm dealing with this in my life and it's something I'm concerned about.  Now I know that there is a segment of the population that says, "It's ok to use pornography etc, so they shouldn't be ashamed anyway."  I refer you to my previous article on this.

What I'm saying here is that we should treat it lightly, no I'm not saying that.  What I'm saying is that what if there weren't this big huge stigma attached to it?  Pornography is everywhere.  Everyone in the modern context has been exposed.  Some people start using it, and many of them want to stop, but they don't know how, and part of the reason they don't know how is because hardly anyone is talking about it.  Having to figure something out by yourself, with not a lot of help isn't easy.  I'm not saying it's not possible, people do it, but you don't have to do it alone.  You can find help and support.

So I'm out here saying let's be the kind of people that are open about what is happening with them, at least with your friends.  If you had a friend or group of friends that you could bring anything to them, and not feel like they would judge you or blab about things you aren't ready have blabbed around, then perhaps this world would be a better place. So what I'm saying is BE that friend, be open, and help others.

I'm thankful for my friends from MKP who have done that for me.  I'm thankful for Bishops, and counselors, and addiction recovery groups.  I'm thankful for my wife.  I'm thankful for the option process that teaches this kind of attitude and empowers people to find their own answers.

I'm putting it out there because if someone else is struggling I want them to know that I've been there, and it's possible to make it through.  With God's help all things are possible.  Other people have made it and we've learned something along the way.  Ask for help and you'll find it.

I want to have a world where people can have true and loving friends, that will not judge, that will support and help.  In order to create that world I'm starting with me.  I want people to be able to be open about things that are seemingly hard to talk about.  I invite you to come along with me, and create this in your own life.  There are 6.x billion people in the world, made up of smaller groups, but every group no matter how large, is made up of people.  Ultimately we only have control over one thing, our attitudes and our actions.  So I'm changing mine.  Come along.

My cancer story

On Facebook I've been very happy to reconnect to many friends with whom I've lost more frequent contact with.  I recently posted (you have to be my friend to view) about how I've been cancer free for 3+ years, and there was a question from my friend Jill Cherrington Christensen who I met and had a lot of fun with back 18 years ago when we along with many other people were all in the same ward as Freshman back at BYU.  We were all nerds together in the honor dorms, us guys in Chipman hall and the women in Budge hall.  It should be noted that this was a very favorable ratio, I think we had 3 young women for 2 of us guys.  Anyway, so Jill asked me about my story, and I think it's worth retelling.
It was 2007, I was in the throws of my second semester of graduate school, having returned to do my MS in Human-Computer Interaction Design.  Graduate school is a demanding time for anyone I think, but I had noticed my energy levels especially low, that I had great difficulty concentrating, and was often sick.  Of course I tried to push myself to keep up with my peers, an amazing group I am still thankful for.
I remember on one of those long class days in late february or early March where I had Jeff Bardzell's class, right before Eli Blevis' class and the day had started with an amazing game design course I was taking from Sonny Kirkley that semester.  I went to the first floor bathroom in the building that is now called informatics west (this was before informatics east was finished) and with some difficulty I peed blood, gross hematuria for you medical types.  I remember Eli coming into the bathroom shortly thereafter and asking if I was ok, I gave my standard fine, and left.  I felt like I needed to do something about it, but of course I felt like I should go to class first.  I called Vanessa and talked to her about it and after class that day I rushed on over to the health center.  I had the standard pee in a cup kind of thing and even though no longer really visible the test not only showed that I had high levels of blood in my urine, but my blood glucose (sugar) levels were high.
Within a few days I had an appointment with a doctor, the person who was to become my doctor, Dr. David Burkhart.  I was diagnosed officially with Diabetes Mellitus Type 2 rather quickly based on my fasting glucose levels and my highish Hemoglobin a1c score. (~7.8 if I remember right).  After that I started to deal with the Diabetes by taking a course and getting back on Metformin (I had been taking it several years before this, but my scores had improved so much and my health insurance lapsed that I had stopped taking it, also at that time I never had an official diagnosis, just an ad hoc one).  My doctor also suggested that it would make sense to have an ultasound "to make sure there aren't any goombas" sitting there in my kidneys.  I thought it made a lot of sense to schedule this for after CHI 2007, the really big conference for my field which was April 28-May 3.  I had that ultrasound on Monday May 7 or 8.  I remember very distinctly getting a call back from my the nurse who most often works with my Doctor, Susy French very soon after the ultrasound, I think it was the next morning asking me to come in that afternoon.  What that really meant hadn't really sunk in yet, but Vanessa and I went together (I think).  It was clear that there was in fact something in my left kidney that ought not be.  Dr. Burkhart said a detailed scan via CT was necessary, and that I should see a specialist.  He suggested Dr. Eric Smith at Summit Urology.  I asked what I now consider to be one of the important questions when it comes to referrals.  I asked who he would see if he were in a similar situation.  Without hesitation Dr. Burkhart said he would see Dr. Smith, not only was he a friend, but he was one of the best in the practice and Summit was virtually the only private urology practice (although certainly a large one) in the area.  He also assured me that he had a lot of experience as a surgeon so if it came to that he would trust Eric to cut him open.
Before we met with Dr. Smith a CT scan was ordered the very next morning.  Our response was typical, we immediately began reading about what the problem could be.  Without a better picture that the CT scan would provide we didn't know for sure, but it was most likely cancer.  We explored all the different types, what they would look for on the scans and what the course of action was.
The next morning on the 9th I did the drill I'm now actually quite used to for CT Scans.  First is the no food part, then you get to start drinking the awful barium drink.  I remember going to Rose Radiology in town to pick up the drink and get the instructions.  They offered banana or grape, I asked which one was better.  I got an honest reply (always a good policy) when she said they were both pretty awful, but if she had to she'd take the banana.  I've always been a fan of artificial banana flavoring (yah I know I'm a bit odd that way) so I followed her advice.  If you don't already know that barium stuff will clean you out.  Quite often they ask you to take some kind of laxative to help clean you out as well, well I certainly didn't need to do this.  I asked what the technician thought and as per their regulations he can't comment The radiologist sent his report to our doctor the next day.  The appearance of nectrotic tissue and a few other characteristics gave the indication that it was renal cell clear cell carcinoma.  The good news at that stage was that once properly removed there is a low reoccurrence rate, and the bad news is that if it should reoccur in less than 5 years the survivorship is very low.  The news that I liked most of all though was that chemo- and radiation therapies generally have little effect, so that surgery was the very best option.  By now it was the 10th of May, a Thursday we scheduled the surgery for the 15th, the following Tuesday.  On Friday we went in for all the pre-operation procedures, to sign the paperwork both at the hospital as well as at the doctor's practice to really understand what would happen in terms of details.
On Thursday and Friday we put the word out to church family in Bloomington, the HCI/d community at school, and our family and friends scattered all over the world.   We called for fasting and prayer over the weekend.  I was bold in asking for help and support from everyone I knew.  Normally I'm not so great at asking for help, but this was not one of those occasions.  I was totally blown away by the support I got from my school community.  People who I didn't know really prayed at all said they would.  People fasted, people did whatever they normally do in their spiritual traditions to help others along their path.  It was amazing.  Our church family also held a special fast for me as well as another member who was going in for surgery the same week.  Our family all over fasted.  It was an amazing outpouring.
Even before the fast started I had a feeling of peace, but as I fasted and prayed that feeling of peace and reassurance came over me deeply.  I had no doubt that I would recover.  I received a priesthood blessing and I was blessed then that the surgery would be a success and I would heal quickly and totally and that I should listen to my doctor's advice.  It was this reassurance from God along with the outpouring of help from friends that got us through.
On May 15, 2007 I went in to Bloomington Hospital and they performed a radical nephrectomy, meaning the whole kidney, the lymph node, and the adrenal gland and the fatty tissue around it.  During the surgery Nina watched Ezra while Vanessa waited at the hospital along with at least quite a number of my friends from the HCI/d program including two of the professors (Thanks Jeff & Shaowen!).  The surgery was fairly short and went without any kind of problems.  Pathology indicated that it was a Stage 3 tumor, meaning it had gone outside of the kidney.  In my case it had just barely pierced the renal envelope and all indications were that there was no spread beyond the area that was removed.  It was confirmed as well that it was as they thought renal cell clear cell carcinoma.
The next three days were a series of visits from practically every single member of the HCI/d program that was in town between semesters, many people from church including our Bishop and my wonderful home teacher Erik Willis, and many others.  While absolutely following all the orders I certainly made sure I was as active as I could be.  The long cut through my core muscles (they went through the front) left me unable to bend over very far or lay on my side or turn over.  I walked around my hospital ward as much as I could dragging the IV machine, pushing my little pain medicine button the first day or so and eventually they took it away as I didn't seem to need it any more.  I asked to be released as soon as possible as you just can't sleep properly in the hospital.  I just wanted to rest and so, in what most of the staff agreed was the fastest they've seen after a cancer surgery, I was released.  Of course most of the other patients who have similar surgeries are double my age or more (I was 33 at the time), so the bar wasn't terribly high.  Still I was happy to return home.  So May 18th I spent the night in my own bed.
Vanessa and I were a pretty pathetic pair I must say though.  She was 7 months pregnant (Micah was born July 5th) and she couldn't bend over and pick anything up.  I couldn't either.  My parents came up for two weeks to help watch Ezra and ease us through the big part of the recovery period.  We got an easy reacher and laughed at how pathetic we looked together.
I ambitiously wanted to change the way I lived my life, by eating more healthily, which I thought meant eating raw.  Of course being a student I realized I couldn't possibly afford it.  Unbeknownst to me Tyler Pace raised $500 for an "HCI/d pantry makeover fund."  It was an extremely touching moment when he and Natalie came over and presented the check to me.  In the memo/for line he put "Your awesomeness." 
As I mentioned occurrence within 5 years has a very low survivorship rate, so vigilance is necessary during that period especially.  The first two years and a half years I had a CT scan every 6 months, and just this month I had an ultra-sound (less radiation is a good thing).  I'll alternate between CT scan and ultrasound for the next two years until I reach the 5 year mark.  After that we can let the frequency diminish in consultation with the circumstances up until that point.
Having cancer taught me several things.  First is that when it really counts and you ask people are totally ready to help in amazing ways.  Second, things are what you make of it, I had an amazingly positive experience from the start.  It brought me closer to many people, doctors who I still stay in contact with, nurses, friends, and many others.  Third, is that God can give you peace.  In my case the outcome was that I still get to live this life, but even if it had not been I would have felt peace.
I'm sure there are many other things and details and people to thank, but this is my first draft.  I'll add to this post and get some shorter versions, but here's the long one.

An excellent post on the dangers of pornography

I just had to write a bit about this excellent post and the discussion that happened thereafter in the comments.  A friend, Ryan Peck,  who is becoming a dear friend of mine that I met at the incredible SonRise New Frontiers program in May wrote an excellent post about the dangers of pornography.  Before I forget I want to direct all interested parties to my church's very excellent website combating pornography.
In the comments I wrote a few different things, but here is the most relevant.
From a Christian point of view it's really not much of a debate on the dangers of pornography.  The scriptures clearly teach about lust.  There have been several great books and articles from about keeping one's "thought life" clean, the living prophets have spoken out again and again and again on this subject.
There are a few things I need to say here.  First is I've fought this fight, and for many years I let pornography get the best of me.  It left me feeling bad about myself, much of that was because of my insanely awesome tendency to beat myself up.  Part of the reason I felt bad was because the spirit of the Lord does not dwell in unholy temples, and that means I didn't have the spirit with me during and after participation in these activities, so naturally I felt a decrease in all the qualities that the spirit brings and magnifies in ourselves (see Galations 5).  OK so that's pretty well established, but what about those who may not share my faith. This may not be all that obvious.
So let me say that I'm calling pornography bad, and when I say bad I mean specifically that I'm setting up a system of make believe.  Every system of make believe like science, religion, disciplinary training, communities of practice, etc has what they consider to be good and bad things, and what they mean is they want them (good) or don't want them (bad).  This idea of making believe I'm borrowing very liberally and with attribution from Barry "Bears" Neil Kaufman several of his books.  The reason why it's bad is that it leads to thoughts about sex with people other than your spouse.  For me, that means away from my wife Vanessa who will be my eternal companion if we choose to stay true to the sealing that was promised to us in the San Diego Temple.  What I'm saying is I'm calling an eternal family a good thing, something I want.  In the simplest possible terms: there is no possible way that pornography will not lead you away from a forever family, let alone a happy and enduring relationship in this life.  This is why I call pornography bad, well not just bad, VERY bad.  Note that I'm not making any kind of judgment on those who use pornography, but rather the thing itself, and the resultant consequences that show up in peoples lives.  What I'm saying is that I'm not a bad person because I felt addicted to pornography for all those years, and those other people who freely choose to do so either, but there are certain unavoidable consequences, and I didn't want that in my life, and those who DO use pornography and say they want the same things that I do are, like I was, totally deceiving themselves.  There is no half way, there is no "just a little won't hurt" there.

Stop the hate/polarization in politics

Last night I posted this to my facebook status (only accessible if you are my friend):

I don't care how much you may love your favorite talking political talking head on TV or radio or on a blog. I don't care how much of what they say you agree with. If that person is constantly talking about how terrible the opposite group is, constantly using hyperbole to fearmonger and increase ratings, in short if they are only trying to divide us as a country you should TURN IT OFF, don't read it, don't watch it.

Followed up by this: (because they limit you to 420 characters on FB)

That is simply not what is going to get anything done in the USA or any country for that matter. Vote with your attention, if you don't pay attention those people will either have to change or lose their shows/blogs/columns (or much of the incentive to do those things). We need to start talking about solutions, commonalities, and how we can work together not how the other group is bad.

I then went to bed.  What ensued was that 7 people liked it and a few commented that they agreed.  One person mentioned whatever happened to praying for our leaders. (Thank you for the reminder Ann-Michelle!)  The other comments turned into what I think I could rightly call a flame war.  What started out as fairly reasonable discourse devolved quickly.  I understand that some people are upset by the recent passage of the so-called health care reform bill.  Others are joyous.  I, personally am taking a wait and see attitude.  What I want in this issue is not the point of this post so I will not state it here.

So I followed up with the my words below.  I write this in sincerity and earnestness, and I know I'm human and am flawed.  Please take this for the best, give me (and others) the benefit of the doubt.

Will anger get us anywhere? Will stoking people's rage get anything done except inciting mobs to violence, or if not violence then mobs of people who are eagerly willing to follow blindly and do whatever kind of mischief and mayhem (physical, or emotional) they are directed to do without thought to consequences?
Talk of majorities or minorities seems irrelevant, we need to reach out and understand the other's point of view, and that will thereby clarify our own thinking on our position. (It's like when you talk to someone else tells you about their belief in God and then you see where you are the same and how you may be different) When you start to see the substantial differences in our points of view you can then start seeing the possible pros and cons of each position. THEN you can see where changes can possibly be made, whether in your own position or theirs or both.
This is not an irreconcilable problem. We all want to protect our families. We all want to be kept safe. We all want to pass on a legacy that will not burden future generations. We want the place we live in to be beautiful and protected. We all have more or less the same goals. We may disagree on how to get there, and then finding out how we disagree, not the fact that we do is the important part.
Calling someone a communist, a fascist, a right-wing nut job, a power hoarder etc will not help anyone.

There is talk of patriots standing up for what they believe. That is fantastic, please do, but before you do that know what you believe and more importantly why. Why do you think your way of doing things is better? Majorities and minorities of people don't matter. How party platforms are built doesn’t matter. Why do you believe it? If you can answer those questions then stand up and make your voice heard, and please don't just complain about the problem, find points to discuss and propose solutions.

People talk about some group wanting to control another. That may be, I cannot say, I cannot judge their intentions (hearts). Judgment is not for man, but for God except in some very rare situations. Politics is NOT one of those situations where you can sit and judge someone or some group. I can only judge their actions. Please don't pull out the "well I can judge righteously" argument. It doesn't apply. The scriptures have very little to say about what is righteous and what is not in politics.

What I ask of everyone, what I pray for is that people will sit and reflect on how they feel when they do what we have seen here. How do you feel inside? This is where you can have judgment. Does it make you feel good?

The purpose

OK I can't possibly start doing something without either explaining why I'm doing it or talking about it, or both. It's a funny tic I have. Sorry about that. The purpose is to have a home where I can write all kinds of personal stuff, like my thoughts on my current scripture study, or random things that I can't resist commenting on that just don't fit into my other, more professionally oriented blog.

• First of all let me say that I tend to ramble a bit, so be warned that I may become too a little long winded at times.
• Second, I welcome comments and conversation.
• Third, if you can't find a civilized way of saying it, don't.
• Fourth, there is no fourth.

So welcome and come on back whenever you'd like.