Taking time for yourself

It's easy for me to start to feel overwhelmed.  I'll probably talk about some of the reasons why I choose to feel overwhelmed in a future post, but let's just cut to the chase: I choose to feel overwhelmed.  Now I want to differentiate between a busy schedule and feeling overwhelmed.  A busy schedule is something that the vast majority of us deal with in almost all of the developed world and a large part of the developing world as well.  Now it would be easy to start keeping score and play the oneupsmanship game of "see who's busiest" as if that's some kind of badge of honor.  Just thinking about that makes me want to write a post about that game.  So let's just say that you have a busy schedule, when does it start to feel like it's too much?  When do you feel like you just can't take it anymore?  When are you feeling like you're ready to walk away from your troubles for a time?

I've noticed though that it's not about how much I do, it's much more about my judgment about my schedule that changes how I feel and react negatively to it.  It's easy to get resentful like this, "Why do we have an autistic child?" or "why don't they pay me more? I do very good work."  Or perhaps after a brief look at a very full day I see I'm scheduled from 7-7 and then after the kids are in bed I need to take care of paperwork or help clean the house or take care of something.  At that point even putting a date on the schedule can start to feel like one more thing that I need to do.

So if a friend came to me and told me that they were feeling like this I would say, "Take some time for yourself!"  I've told this to my wife before, and asked her to take time for activities that she enjoys.  I've been so proud of her this week for taking time to practice singing again. We all love hearing it in the house and she feels better doing it.  Of course when the tables are turned I've said, "I don't feel like I can take time for myself right now, it's just too busy of a time."  Of course it's busy, I'm doing a PhD for goodness sake!  I have a study to finish planning, and start running, I've got a paper to write, I've got well I could keep going and going.  When someone says, "Take some time off" I say, quite correctly, "I can't take any time right now because the work will just pile up higher and higher."  I've envisioned in my mind taking a week or two off, totally unplugging, forgetting all the things I need to do.   Of course I rebel against that, taking a week or two off is not something I can necessarily do on a whim.  I have obligations to my colleagues, my advisors who take time out of their schedules to help my with my PhD project.   If I totally forgot about all the things I need to do then I'd be a bad person, and maybe I'd like being away from all my duties and never want to do them again.  So if I took time off I'd need to not totally unplug.  I'd need to stay connected to email and other things.  I'd need to try and sneak in some work in the evenings and take some of those important calls.  Here's another good one, I need to save my time off because I'll need to take on some contract work so I can make up the difference for what we fall short every month. I have my duties at church to take care of, I have my children and wife to consider.  I can't do that.

Or can I?  What is to stop me from doing it?  My sense of the fact that "hard workers don't need big breaks and time off." Or here's another judgement I didn't know I had until I started really going into it, "I want to be do good work quickly, because I want to prove I'm smart."  I think that anyone can do good work, well I know I can do, but doing it quickly and apparently with not a lot of effort, I can thereby prove I'm smart.  Here's a good one, "Those who lose their lives for my sake, shall find it."  I.e. those who spend their time in the service of others.  I can't take time for me because that would be selfish.  I can't take time because you should give as much as you can give.  I can't take time I can't take time because the, "the Lord never said to take breaks." (my words)  Did he?  I can't take time because that would mean I'm a bad dad.  I can't take time because I need to make up for when my addictions, compulsions, or other bad choices have taken me away from my family or helping others, or progressing in my education or my career.  I even used the words of the living prophets to prove my point.  From President Eyring's talk of April.  Here's the passage he quoted from D&C 

“Wherefore, now let every man learn his duty, and to act in the office in which he is appointed, in all diligence. He that is slothful shall not be counted worthy to stand, and he that learns not his duty and shows himself not approved shall not be counted worthy to stand. Even so. Amen."

This part came to my mind in the talk:

Sitting down to rest can be more attractive than making appointments to visit those who need our priesthood service.  When I find myself drawn away from my priesthood duties by other interests and when my body begs for rest, I give to myself this rallying cry: “Remember Him.” 

I was using all of this as a reason why I can't give myself a break.

I'm NOT making all of this up.  When I really looked at the reasons why I couldn't take time I came up with all of these pretty ridiculous things.  So in this way of thinking, if I take a break, then I'm a bad person.  If I take a break and enjoy the time away I'm a bad person.  I don't take a break and resent all the stuff I have to do I'm a bad person.  I need to just work and like it.  It's totally ridiculous, but in some shape or another I believed all of these things.

Just to clarify on a few points it does say in scripture that you, "can't run faster than you are able" and while God does expect our very best, he doesn't expect us to do more than we are able to.  If I were to take a whole month off I'm sure I would take steps to make sure my vital duties are taken care of at church and at work.  If I took that long off I'd do it with my family so there's no problem there.  If I took the time off and found myself so happy to be away from all of the other things even after a few weeks I'd question my motivations for doing them.

All the arguments I've given Vanessa and others who are too focused on work come flooding back.  I'll be a better researcher, dad, priesthood holder, friend etc if I take time off.  I'll come back with more energy, I'll come with new fresh ideas on how to improve whatever it is.  I'll come back with appreciation for the routine that my work provides (I like routines pretty well).

Here's a novel question though, why can't I just take a whole day to myself?  No taking care of the kids, no work, no church stuff, no cleaning.  Would that set me back an irreparable distance from my work goals and hard deadlines?

I thought....
and I thought....
and I thought....

There is no good reason for not taking a whole day.

And so I did.  Today is that day.