Managing and coping when I'd rather be recovered

Depression is a funny thing.

Of course not funny hah hah, but funny as in odd.  I've dealt with depression all of my adult life as well as in my teenage years.  It comes and goes, of course it doesn't feel like that.  So what does it feel like? It's very much dependent on context.

If I'm depressed, not just a down day, which I think almost everyone had here and there, but depressed, everything seems bleak.  Vanessa and I sometimes manage to joke about it, the phrase we use is, "all is woe." It's only funny because it's true.  From this point of view it seems like any happiness we once knew is but a fleeting memory, anything that is good was only mercurial, and all that is real is the dull ache of reality.  Any kind of objective (objective as in outside myself) data, about my life at least, will easily show that this is not true, but that's how it feels.

If I'm having a really up day, then I'm on top of the world, nothing can really go wrong and any plan I start today will last forever or at least until it comes beautifully into fruition.  I don't have many of these days, but they do happen a few times a year.

The state I tend to live in is that of staying for a while on one side of a very blurry line and then cross over that line for a while to visit the other side.  There aren't a lot of highs and lows in this kind of existence, but rather a lot of middling, mediums, and so-sos.  Life is neither particularly sweet, nor so awful I regret ever being brought into this life.    

I must say I've been on the lower side of that line for a while, depressed and stressed to the point where I'm having a hard time getting to typical achievement levels.  Daily tasks are difficult, completing things, focusing on something are all difficult for me.  So I cope.  I manage them, I make lists, I ask for or at least start to accept help.  I admit my struggles to those whom I'd really rather not tell in order to get a little more slack in my life.

I'm tired of managing and coping.  I'd rather be recovered, say things like "When I was depressed I used to.." or "Before I learned how to really work with my depression I would..." but no. I'm struggling, managing, and coping.

Well for now that's what I got.  I'm taking some new supplements that are helping, and I keep on keepin' on. One day at a time and all that.

This is me, so take it or leave it.