What I learned about England

Our family vacation this year was 2 weeks in England.  Lots of fascinating things to see and do, and lots and lots of lovely English to hear and speak and be mutually understood.
Driving on the left is surprisingly easy to get used to, no problem at all really, though that was in my own car (we took the ferry across), the places I really needed to think were roundabouts and even that wasn't that big of a deal.  Left was the new right (only had to look one way to turn left), though I must say the English sure don't believe in spending money or using space for roads.  We spent almost the entire time in the Western part of England and there are very few freeways there (though they call them motorways of course).  There are some main roads, but even those seemed to be few and far between unless you stick to the larger cities and going directly from one to another.  Those main roads will be a full lane in each direction, often with a passing lane for going up hills and a few other spots on occasion, and at least a bit of a shoulder on the side of the road in most places.  Otherwise you're on these roads, that.... well before I went to England I wouldn't have imagined that such a thing would be considered anything but a country lane, a private drive, or something you see in places that don't have a very well developed infrastructure.  I guess in fact that's what I'm saying, the English haven't prioritised (spelling intentional) their private vehicle infrastructure.  We Americans spent millions in the 50s and spend billions today to expand and maintain our system of freeways.  One can drive from sea to shining sea on one of at least two, but often three or four east-west freeways, there quite a number of north-south routes.  The general rule of thumb in most populated areas is that the freeway will get you within 5 miles of where you want to go, and in suburban areas perhaps 10-20 miles and in rural area perhaps up 50 or in some cases 100 miles, but even then their are high quality highways to cover most of those kinds of distances in the US.  I'm not saying one is better than the other, but the difference is striking.  One could easily say that making the train easier and more convenient for travel is a good thing, but I'm not entirely certain that is the case in many of these places in the England.

So back to these little roads, often there aren't two full lanes, there is no shoulder at all, and there are hedges or a combination of hedges and the road is cut a bit lower than the surrounding land so that you're in what feels like a giant hedge maze.  One can drive for miles and never actually see the countryside around because you're always boxed into these little hedged roads.  The speed limit on these roads is often 40 or 50 mph, but it's almost impossible to drive that fast, often you just inch along at 25 or 30mph, sometimes less.  A trip of 10 miles can take 30 mins or more.  So many times the road was so narrow only one car can drive but irregularly spaced along the way are just slightly wider so as to allow two cars to get through.  The English though are very friendly drivers, and will gladly pull into a little spot and let you pass and wave you on.  Pulling out of some of these smaller roads on slightly larger roads can be difficult as visibility is often low and there were multiple times where someone would stop and flash their lights and let you get through.  It was nice.  The roads were so small at times that I was certain our GPS was taking us the wrong way... but no, that was just the road.

OK enough about roads, how about English food.  I'd heard stories from my uncle, and others who had lived in England years ago (in the 60s) and they described the food as not that great.  I've seen some English cooking shows and it seemed pretty good to me, but actually shopping most days and cooking (we had self-catering cottages) gives you a different feel for a place.  First of all the variety at stores was on par with the US.  So many stores here in NL are small with a limited selection and even in the larger stores the selection is still small.  The English, like so many places have superstores in many places and I admit I loved it. Going to a big Tesco or Sainsbury's was great.  I picked up some shirts at Sainsbury's that were really nice and quite inexpensive, but I digress, I was talking about food. So Pork Pies and Pasties of all kinds.... YUM. Pasties (especially Cornish Pasties) are a kind of meat pie.  Cornish Pasties are beef with potato, those seemed to be the most common but there were others.  The crust was generally doughy and soft.  Pork pies had the feeling of sold big chunks of some kind of pork wrapped up in a crust quite similar to pie crust in the US but without any of the sweetness.  I got the impression that the crust was made with lard which made it flaky, flavorful, and delicious.  Oh and they're both quite cheap, I mean really cheap in some places.  You can pick up a nice big pork pie for a pound, or four little ones, and these are the name brand ones. The pasties 2 for a pound of the cheaper kinds, and even the nice bigger ones at a decent restaurant with chips and such are always less than 5 pounds.  Otherwise fish and chips were delicious, had them almost every other day I think.  I found I prefer the Cod to the Haddock, and of course no malt vinegar for me thanks, though I often got some tartar sauce.
When talking about English cuisine and it's peculiarities one cannot forget about cream, as in clotted and double.  Double cream is like heavy whipping cream but even better.  Heavy cream in the US often has thickeners added to it (like carageenan) and the fat content is around 50-60%, while double cream is around 70-80% fat and has a fairly thick consistency. I really enjoyed double cream with fresh fruit many evenings for dessert.  Next is clotted cream.  Clotted cream is, well it's hard to describe, but it also has a higher fat content and when cold it's as solid as butter, but when approaching or at room temperature it's very spreadable.  It's creamy and just slightly sweet (though there is no added sugar).  It's made by heating milk for a long period of time and letting it cool, giving the top layer a yellowish layer of "clots" what is underneath is the color of regular cream.  Clotted cream makes up an integral part of "cream tea" which is tea (of your choice, rooibos for us) scones (usually two) and then clotted cream, and jam and usually butter too.  This will set you back 5-6 pounds in most places, but it's a really nice little break in the afternoon at... yes you guessed it tea time. I skipped the jam as I'm not eating added sugars, but still it was fun and delicious.  Clotted cream in my experience is best on baked goods/breads and while it was good just with fresh fruit, double cream was much better.
What else? Eating out in most places was pretty cheap compared to NL and less expensive than many other places in Europe, and portions were pretty large.  Sides sometimes included pickles and pickled onions.  Not my favorite, but decent.  When we got a salad it was good, but the variety there isn't as big it seems.  We were pleasantly surprised to find gluten-free options in many places, and that menus usually included calories which was really nice.  England also made me even more appreciative of the fact that I don't drink alcolhol, as that seemed to be very expensive. Oh and on that note, we were gladly served a nice jug of ice water at our table everyplace we asked for it, without charge, sidelong looks or any fuss.  That alone saves a lot compared to NL and many other places that either insist on selling you bottled water, or will charge you something (though not usually much) for tap water.

clarity of communication

So I'm just marveling at how easy it is to be unclear in communication when you want something from someone. I received a message from someone and didn't act on it, mostly because I had no idea what the person really wanted me to do.  I know I've made similar requests to people asking for some of their time quite often.  It seems this happens with email a lot, but can happen face to face.
I think the clearest way to avoid this kind of problem is to be clear on what is wanted in the first place.  Sometimes you're not really sure, and you just want to sit down and brainstorm or bounce some ideas off the other person.  You can tell them that, and right away things become clearer.
What strategies do you employ to move people to action or get a response, or get what you would like from them? Especially via email?

Why do you go to church?

Today we had an interesting discussion during our priesthood meeting (i.e.our men's group at church because each of us holds the priesthood).  We talked about the talk Elder Niel L Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave to the church last October called Never Leave Him.

There are two major "warning signs" that he talks about: offended or ashamed.
I'll definitely recommend that you read the talk, listen to it, or watch the video for yourself, but a few thoughts came up for me when we were talking about it from my own experience.
First of all is that we can only be offended if we choose to be.  In English it is quite natural for one to say that "she offended me" or "that was rather offensive" but in reality the only way one can be offended is by choosing to take offence.  This does mean, nor would I advocate that we can just go around and say whatever we would like not matter how crude, crass, unkind, or insensitive to people, but it does mean that when someone says something that may initially rub you the wrong way you can either let it bother you and become offended, or you can choose to let it go.
I have a friend that, God bless them, has tried to let people people said or did be a reason for them not to come back to church.  I said to that person, and I say to you, dear reader, why do you go to church?
If you only go because people are nice to you and say kind things to you it will only be so long until someone says something that is rude or insensitive.  Perhaps you may think that this is a bit bold, but it is the case.  No one is perfect.  There may be a lot of people at church who are trying to be better people, follow Christ, repent etc, but none are perfect.  There may even be some people who just like to go, enjoy it, and aren't really actively trying to become better people.  I don't know, I'm not in charge of assessing such things, but it seems very possible. In any case I can guarantee that there will come a time that some will say or do something mean, rude, or insensitive.  It will most likely not be intentional, though it it may be.
Whatever it may be what will not coming back to church permanently hurt that other person, the body of the church in general, or your particular ward (congregation)? NO, it will not.
You may be missed by some, but even if you're not missed by anyone and who will it hurt the most?
Only you, should you choose to stay away.
Again I'll ask, do you go to church only if people are kind and nice?
Do you go to church only if people behave themselves and help your children in the way you want them to?
Do you go to church only if the Bishop (pastor) says thank you for your service?
Do you go to church only if the Relief Society (women's group) president seeks out your help for the next activity?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, I do not condemn you, but it will let you know something about yourself. You can choose to stay that way, or change is possible.
If you don't know why you go to church then perhaps you should ask yourself that question in a serious and considered way.
Phrased another way: will you let someone else stop you from going? Will you let fear of "what people might say" keep you away?  Will you let what someone else says or does control whether you worship, commune, praise, or covenant with God? If so then it's a good thing to know about yourself.  It's a good indicator of how things work for you in your spiritual path, at least right now.

I don't go to church because I love the people who are there and want to talk with them 24/7.  It' a plus to me that I do love them.
I don't go to church because I expect to be treated kindly or well. It's a plus that in my experience that does happen 98% of the time.
I don't go to church because of that crazy old lady who smells a bit funny to me and says strange things, but I have to admit I find it at least somewhat entertaining or annoying depending on the circumstances. I'm not going to let her stop me from going though.
I don't go to church because I'm perfect, or even that good of a person sometimes. I go because I know it's the right thing, I want to go, I want to be a better person.  I want to get to the place in my life where when I take the sacrament (communion) it's like being baptized, and at least for that moment I'm perfect in Christ and perhaps that might last more than a few seconds.

Learning to focus-2 examples

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I can get distracted rather easily, or that I have a hard time focusing on something for an extended period of time, let's say more than 15 minutes or so.  I also noticed that much like my autistic son that I enjoy routine, and when that routine is upset I can get inordinately upset or distracted about that.

My routine on the way to work during the winter involves a train ride from my house in Best to Eindhoven and then a 4.4km (2.7 mile) ride down to the High Tech Campus
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When the weather is really bad I take the bus, otherwise I ride my bike  and lock  it up in the fietskellar (the underground bike storage) beneath the station (It's totally worth paying €13/mo to keep it safe from theft and dry).
Today as I was heading down the stairs to get my bike I looked for my bike key only to find I had not put my bike key back into my change purse.  I flashed back to seeing my key on my dresser, but because I have several I assumed it was another one.  Which reminds me I really need to put a key in my backpack again so I have a backup... ok added to my to-do list.. and moving on.
I realized I would need to take the bus.  The bus takes the same amount of transit time (more or less) but then I don't get to exercise or enjoy the fresh air, and I would have to wait 10 mins for it to leave. I started to feel anxious about my writing schedule for the day getting messed up. What was I going to do? Maybe my whole day would be ruined by this?  I felt bad because I would also be spending money on the bus that was avoidable "if only I had remembered."
I paused and thought, "what should I do?"
I then remembered that I could rent a bike for about what it costs to ride the bus both ways and while it would cost me some money it wouldn't cost me any extra time and I would enjoy this supremely wonderful sunshine we've enjoyed for the last two days in the middle of February.  I was somewhat comforted by the fact that this isn't cash out of my pocket but rather billed to my bank account monthly and it wouldn't happen  for 4 weeks.
By simply pausing to think about alternatives I was able to find something that worked. Even if this was not the case, in reflection now I can see that it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
As I rode to work I was again troubled about "all the stuff I had to do" today, what would I do first? Would it all get done? I then remembered quite naturally that I had written out every single project I was working on as part of my process (based largely on Getting Things Done or GTD).  Feeling uptight again I thought I'll have to review my project tracker to see exactly what it is I should be working on, then I reminded myself I already knew.  In the mornings I write, first on priority projects then blogging or other things, and I knew which two things need to be written this week.
In due course I got to my desk and, set up my laptop and was faced with where I had left my computer last, witch email and all kinds of things open. Dealing with email first thing in the mornings kills productivity for me, and most people. I recommend against it. I had one tab open about something I knew needed some follow up, so I quickly copied the URL and dropped that into a task in outlook and closed up all the things that could be distracting for me, and opened up one of my documents I'm working on.  As I write I come to natural lulls in the pace.  I try to use those lulls to take care of my needs so as to write consistently when I'm in my state of flow.  If while I'm writing I all-of-a-sudden think of something I should do, an email I should send, or start feeling hungry or run out of water, I quickly think about if I am still in the writing zone. Often I am, and can gently remind myself that writing is one of the most important things I can do each day and getting these things written is what I should do.  Also "no email before 11am" works wonders for me. So I simply go back to writing.  If the need is urgent like I need to hit the bathroom then I break immediately.  If I'm out of the zone I take a quick break to take care of myself, stretch etc and then back to work. I found myself at least a few times back into facebook or email for a moment, my first impulse was to beat up on myself for such.  Instead though it was so easy to just go back to writing because I was clear about what I needed to get done.  It was time to execute, to do the things I needed to do "ship" as Seth Godin says, and by knowing what was really important I am able to slip right back into doing it.

I guess I'm learning what it takes for me to do focus, and writing about it here is helps me be reflective and by bring reflective I can learn about how I work (self studentship).  I hope as well by sharing how I work you may gain some insights or pick up a strategy that may work for you.

Oh and while I'm not trying to hawk books, some of these books especially the one below really have helped, so why not link to them?

when the things you think are important become requirements

Have you ever liked something so much that it became required for your life to go on, or for you to feel good about life?
It's a funny thing.
We start out liking something.  We may notice when when we do something or when we have something we feel better in someway. We then create a desire or wanting for this thing in our life.  I think that's great, but for me this wanting, this desire then becomes something more. If I don't do it I then become unhappy, it's now required for my happiness. I may even judge myself that if I didn't do or get it then I'm a bad person.
Rubbish, complete and utter rubbish I say.
Here's an example:
I set my alarm and got up and meditated and prayed for a few minutes then sat under my new "happy lamp" (daylight bulb) and read scriptures. I then went and played with Ezra in his playroom for a while, then Micah wanted some daddy time so we played trains for a bit, then showered and family prayer, kiss the kids, make out with my wife, grab my breakfast and lunch I packed last night and catch my train then ride my bike from the station to work. A really picture perfect morning.
Now let's look at Wednesday.  I did the shower and the train parts of that, forgot my key so no bike, forgot my badge to get into the office. I felt crappy about my morning, and in fact I judged it to be a bad morning, and I went so far as to think I must be a bad person.  Typing that now it's pretty obvious to me what nonsense this is, but in that moment I was wrapped up in guilt and unhappiness.
I think it's great to do things that make you happy and feel good, that put you on the path that you want to be in your life, but don't let those times that you don't do it create something awful.
To use another analogy: have you ever had a favorite topping for cereal or maybe ice cream? I know that I really enjoy oatmeal with real melted butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon. What if one day we've run out of butter, and only have margarine. I turn up my nose at the margarine and carry on with the two other ingredients. I could choose to either be bitter that we don't have any, become bitter, ask myself why my wife can't just get me the things I NEED, or I can eat what I have notice hey, this could be better, and maybe write a note for myself to buy some butter on my way home or maybe ask my wife to do so next time she does.
It's like I think that unless I get unhappy about not having something then I think I won't change it. Unhappiness is a good motivator, no doubt about it, but is it the best one? Will it help in the long term?

What are the things you beat yourself up about if you don't do or have?

What are the things that make you happy?

Managing and coping when I'd rather be recovered

Depression is a funny thing.

Of course not funny hah hah, but funny as in odd.  I've dealt with depression all of my adult life as well as in my teenage years.  It comes and goes, of course it doesn't feel like that.  So what does it feel like? It's very much dependent on context.

If I'm depressed, not just a down day, which I think almost everyone had here and there, but depressed, everything seems bleak.  Vanessa and I sometimes manage to joke about it, the phrase we use is, "all is woe." It's only funny because it's true.  From this point of view it seems like any happiness we once knew is but a fleeting memory, anything that is good was only mercurial, and all that is real is the dull ache of reality.  Any kind of objective (objective as in outside myself) data, about my life at least, will easily show that this is not true, but that's how it feels.

If I'm having a really up day, then I'm on top of the world, nothing can really go wrong and any plan I start today will last forever or at least until it comes beautifully into fruition.  I don't have many of these days, but they do happen a few times a year.

The state I tend to live in is that of staying for a while on one side of a very blurry line and then cross over that line for a while to visit the other side.  There aren't a lot of highs and lows in this kind of existence, but rather a lot of middling, mediums, and so-sos.  Life is neither particularly sweet, nor so awful I regret ever being brought into this life.    

I must say I've been on the lower side of that line for a while, depressed and stressed to the point where I'm having a hard time getting to typical achievement levels.  Daily tasks are difficult, completing things, focusing on something are all difficult for me.  So I cope.  I manage them, I make lists, I ask for or at least start to accept help.  I admit my struggles to those whom I'd really rather not tell in order to get a little more slack in my life.

I'm tired of managing and coping.  I'd rather be recovered, say things like "When I was depressed I used to.." or "Before I learned how to really work with my depression I would..." but no. I'm struggling, managing, and coping.

Well for now that's what I got.  I'm taking some new supplements that are helping, and I keep on keepin' on. One day at a time and all that.

This is me, so take it or leave it.

Taking time for yourself

It's easy for me to start to feel overwhelmed.  I'll probably talk about some of the reasons why I choose to feel overwhelmed in a future post, but let's just cut to the chase: I choose to feel overwhelmed.  Now I want to differentiate between a busy schedule and feeling overwhelmed.  A busy schedule is something that the vast majority of us deal with in almost all of the developed world and a large part of the developing world as well.  Now it would be easy to start keeping score and play the oneupsmanship game of "see who's busiest" as if that's some kind of badge of honor.  Just thinking about that makes me want to write a post about that game.  So let's just say that you have a busy schedule, when does it start to feel like it's too much?  When do you feel like you just can't take it anymore?  When are you feeling like you're ready to walk away from your troubles for a time?

I've noticed though that it's not about how much I do, it's much more about my judgment about my schedule that changes how I feel and react negatively to it.  It's easy to get resentful like this, "Why do we have an autistic child?" or "why don't they pay me more? I do very good work."  Or perhaps after a brief look at a very full day I see I'm scheduled from 7-7 and then after the kids are in bed I need to take care of paperwork or help clean the house or take care of something.  At that point even putting a date on the schedule can start to feel like one more thing that I need to do.

So if a friend came to me and told me that they were feeling like this I would say, "Take some time for yourself!"  I've told this to my wife before, and asked her to take time for activities that she enjoys.  I've been so proud of her this week for taking time to practice singing again. We all love hearing it in the house and she feels better doing it.  Of course when the tables are turned I've said, "I don't feel like I can take time for myself right now, it's just too busy of a time."  Of course it's busy, I'm doing a PhD for goodness sake!  I have a study to finish planning, and start running, I've got a paper to write, I've got well I could keep going and going.  When someone says, "Take some time off" I say, quite correctly, "I can't take any time right now because the work will just pile up higher and higher."  I've envisioned in my mind taking a week or two off, totally unplugging, forgetting all the things I need to do.   Of course I rebel against that, taking a week or two off is not something I can necessarily do on a whim.  I have obligations to my colleagues, my advisors who take time out of their schedules to help my with my PhD project.   If I totally forgot about all the things I need to do then I'd be a bad person, and maybe I'd like being away from all my duties and never want to do them again.  So if I took time off I'd need to not totally unplug.  I'd need to stay connected to email and other things.  I'd need to try and sneak in some work in the evenings and take some of those important calls.  Here's another good one, I need to save my time off because I'll need to take on some contract work so I can make up the difference for what we fall short every month. I have my duties at church to take care of, I have my children and wife to consider.  I can't do that.

Or can I?  What is to stop me from doing it?  My sense of the fact that "hard workers don't need big breaks and time off." Or here's another judgement I didn't know I had until I started really going into it, "I want to be do good work quickly, because I want to prove I'm smart."  I think that anyone can do good work, well I know I can do, but doing it quickly and apparently with not a lot of effort, I can thereby prove I'm smart.  Here's a good one, "Those who lose their lives for my sake, shall find it."  I.e. those who spend their time in the service of others.  I can't take time for me because that would be selfish.  I can't take time because you should give as much as you can give.  I can't take time I can't take time because the, "the Lord never said to take breaks." (my words)  Did he?  I can't take time because that would mean I'm a bad dad.  I can't take time because I need to make up for when my addictions, compulsions, or other bad choices have taken me away from my family or helping others, or progressing in my education or my career.  I even used the words of the living prophets to prove my point.  From President Eyring's talk of April.  Here's the passage he quoted from D&C 

“Wherefore, now let every man learn his duty, and to act in the office in which he is appointed, in all diligence. He that is slothful shall not be counted worthy to stand, and he that learns not his duty and shows himself not approved shall not be counted worthy to stand. Even so. Amen."

This part came to my mind in the talk:

Sitting down to rest can be more attractive than making appointments to visit those who need our priesthood service.  When I find myself drawn away from my priesthood duties by other interests and when my body begs for rest, I give to myself this rallying cry: “Remember Him.” 

I was using all of this as a reason why I can't give myself a break.

I'm NOT making all of this up.  When I really looked at the reasons why I couldn't take time I came up with all of these pretty ridiculous things.  So in this way of thinking, if I take a break, then I'm a bad person.  If I take a break and enjoy the time away I'm a bad person.  I don't take a break and resent all the stuff I have to do I'm a bad person.  I need to just work and like it.  It's totally ridiculous, but in some shape or another I believed all of these things.

Just to clarify on a few points it does say in scripture that you, "can't run faster than you are able" and while God does expect our very best, he doesn't expect us to do more than we are able to.  If I were to take a whole month off I'm sure I would take steps to make sure my vital duties are taken care of at church and at work.  If I took that long off I'd do it with my family so there's no problem there.  If I took the time off and found myself so happy to be away from all of the other things even after a few weeks I'd question my motivations for doing them.

All the arguments I've given Vanessa and others who are too focused on work come flooding back.  I'll be a better researcher, dad, priesthood holder, friend etc if I take time off.  I'll come back with more energy, I'll come with new fresh ideas on how to improve whatever it is.  I'll come back with appreciation for the routine that my work provides (I like routines pretty well).

Here's a novel question though, why can't I just take a whole day to myself?  No taking care of the kids, no work, no church stuff, no cleaning.  Would that set me back an irreparable distance from my work goals and hard deadlines?

I thought....
and I thought....
and I thought....

There is no good reason for not taking a whole day.

And so I did.  Today is that day.